


Break the Cycle

by SigmundFreud



Series: Stress [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Ex Sex, Exes, Happy Ending, Just ex boyfriends who can't keep their hands off each other, Light Angst, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, No skating in this, Rimming, Secretly Pining Victor, Teasing, Victor is a tease, Yuuri doesn't know how to handle emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-12 19:11:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9086056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SigmundFreud/pseuds/SigmundFreud
Summary: Yuuri’s neck was bright red, matching the colors of his cheeks. His eyes were half-lidded with pupils blown wide. He could try to avoid Victor all he wanted, but standing this close to the man made Yuuri lose all rational thought. Victor was like a drug, the strongest drug Yuuri knew, and he could never reject those lips. College AU where Yuuri is a grad student addicted to fucking his ex, and Victor is secretly suffering from heartbreak.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes! Thanks for giving this a shot. I haven't written anything in a while so I had to start a whole new account. 
> 
> I'm currently in Yuri!!! On Ice hell like many of us lol. I hope you guys can enjoy this smutty fic as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Warning: I wrote this one bottle of wine in and edited it after many cocktails. Sorry about any typos or awkward phrasing. Feel free to point out any mistakes and I'll try to correct it if I have time.

Yuuri’s vision was blurry and his head ached. He was sitting at the bar of a crowded downtown pub—the cool beer in his hands did nothing to stop drops of sweat from rolling down his chin. How on earth did Phichit drag him down to that hellhole in an excruciatingly hot May evening was a mystery to Yuuri.

Oh, yeah. Phichit had said something about trying to “cheer him up.”

His friend loved to do that when he thought Yuuri was feeling down. The problem was that Yuuri did stupid things when he drank in a bad mood. Phichit should have known that by now… 

Yuuri didn’t always hate coming out with Phichit though. The grad student enjoyed coming to the pub once in a while. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how to have fun. In fact, Phichit and Yuuri were well known among the student body as people who _knew_ how to have fun when alcohol was involved. Yuuri loved to dance and, despite his usually shy nature, he could definitely shake the dance floor after a few shots. It was his way of letting loose and having fun, a way to curb the stress of post-grad life and the pressing fear of his research project’s approaching deadline.

Today was not a day Yuuri was willing to let loose though. The stakes were too high.

The previous week had started very poorly. Yuuri had been working his heart out on his research project and master’s thesis, but that did not stop his advisor from harshly criticizing his paper’s most recent developments. When Yuuri entered Celestino’s office on Monday morning, he was greeted by an array of critiques. He knew the man only wanted him to succeed, but he had been excited about the progress of the project.

Apparently he had been wrong though. Now the student had to scratch at least 25 pages of his _baby._

Then on Friday morning, when he was starting to feel better, another misfortune rained on Yuuri Katsuki.

Actually it didn’t necessarily rain on him… He was fully responsible for that one.

Yuuri succumbed to the evil forces of sleeping with his ex. _Ugh_. Why.

After avoiding Victor for almost four months, Yuuri had been unfortunate enough to bump into the man at a coffee shop near campus.

They were polite to each other— _very_ civil. Victor offered his new phone number so they could keep in touch—all that jazz exes do when they see each other in public. _Yeah we should meet up sometime and catch up!_ But of course they wouldn’t. It’s all just pleasantries. Yuuri knows the drill. It’s just how it goes. It’s just how it should go.

He accepted Victor’s number, knowing he would never call him or see him again.

… Except he did.

That same day Phichit decided to take him to one of the “cheering Yuuri” nights out. As Yuuri’s research became more intense, Phichit made sure to take his friend out as often as he could.

Phichit had the best intentions. He knew Yuuri was depressed about the latest shortcoming of his project. Yuuri was a great student and he took what he did very seriously.

But he didn’t know Yuuri had just met his ex that _same_ day. Oh, _no_. Yuuri could never tell Phichit. His best mate would freak out and make Yuuri delete the phone number on the spot. And for some weird reason, Yuuri didn’t want that to happen…

Maybe it would have been better if Yuuri had been honest with Phichit….

It was early Friday night when the pair began to take shots. According to Phichit, Fridays were “shot nights.” Probably a terrible idea.

Yuuri got majorly plastered, texted Victor, and ended up at the older man’s doorstep.

He woke up feeling like shit and having to tell his best friend and flat mate a lame excuse about following Leo to another bar to drink more cocktails and coming home at ungodly hours after Phichit had already crashed (which was almost impossible).

In reality, Yuuri ran out of his ex’s apartment at 4 a.m. as soon as Victor came on his face, mentally swearing to never do that again. Never see Victor, never think about him, never let him come on his face, never talk to him, never daydream about him, and especially never sleep with him again.

Except he did.

On Saturday, on Monday, and on Tuesday. _Fuck._

Thank God Leo was such a good friend, willing to cover for him.

How could he sleep with the man who broke his heart? Who destroyed Yuuri with mere words? How could he admit that to Phichit? He simply couldn’t bring himself to do it—he would _kill_ Yuuri if he knew what he was doing. Phichit spent several months helping Yuuri get himself together after the disaster that was Victor Nikiforov. A hot, mesmerizing, and _painful_ disaster. So he kept quiet.

He was running out of explanations after coming home late every night. The library excuse just wouldn’t do it anymore.

Now it was Wednesday and Yuuri _needed_ to break the cycle.

He was indeed in a terrible mood. He didn’t trust himself to be in public without supervision. At least having his friend close by made Yuuri stop himself from texting Victor. Victor never texted him anyway. As shameful as it was to admit it, the grad student had initiated contact with Victor every single time in the past four days. Goddamn it.

He just needed to find his friend soon, before he got too drunk

Unfortunately Phichit had already abandoned him for the dance floor.

Yuuri ignored the loud stranger blatantly flirting with him while he tried to scan the dancing crowd in front of the bar in search of his friend. The fact that the pub was so crowded on a Wednesday evening was making him even more irritated.

He took another chug of his beer attempting to make situation more bearable. He knew he shouldn’t drink much, but enduring the obnoxious stranger next to him without alcohol simply wouldn’t do. Yuuri was too polite to tell him off directly, opting to endure the situation with nods and more sips of beer. He really hated his passive side sometimes.

The student asked the bartender for another beer, the fourth one that night. He was getting tipsy but he felt conscious enough to keep his resolve. He drank the liquid slowly, still trying to spot his best friend on the dance floor. This would be his last beer and then he would go home safely with Phichit, getting rid of the horny stranger that was now talking _too_ close his ear. His best friend was the perfect anti-men shield.

Yuuri finally spotted his flat mate on the dance floor. Phichit enthusiastically danced in the middle of a multitude of people. The way he moved so spontaneously made Yuuri chuckle. He wished he could be as carefree as his friend without the aid of _a lot_ of shots.

He gave the stranger some lame excuse about needing to take a leak and began maneuvering in between the crowd to reach Phichit.

Half way to his goal, Yuuri felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

 _Fuck_.

The first thing that popped in his mind was _Victor_. Goddamn, the man should get out of his head already. But then Yuuri remembered: Victor never texts. He barely texted when they were together, he always preferred to speak on the phone. And he hadn’t texted Yuuri _once_ before or after their encounters during the past four days.

Attempting to calm himself, the student took another chug of his beer. He raised his phone to check the massage—maybe it was just Leo checking up on them.

Victor (DO NOT TEXT OR CALL): _Not coming by tonight?_

A loud _clack_ sounded by Yuuri’s side as his beer dropped to the floor. Someone next to the student complained about getting wet with the sticky liquid, but the black-haired man couldn’t care less at the moment. His heart was beating like crazy. _Fuck._

He tried to calm down. Victor texting him _four_ words didn’t change anything. He shouldn’t and wouldn’t sleep with his ex again. He locked his phone and put it back in his pocket. He adjusted his crooked glasses and steadied his breath, hand clutched against his own shirt. He decided he needed to find Phichit faster and go _home_. He definitely didn’t trust himself and he desperately needed to be _more_ rational.

After a few deep breaths, he started to feel calm again. He took a step into de dance floor. And then…

Another vibration. And then another. Two more _goddamn_ messages.

His head began to spin. He only had four beers but he felt drunk. He barely had time to process his own thoughts as his hands flew to him own pocket. Before he knew it, his phone was already in front of his face.

Victor (DO NOT TEXT OR CALL): _I thought we had a new routine now. Was I wrong? Where is the desperate Yuuri of the past few nights? I’m lonely._

Victor (DO NOT TEXT OR CALL): _I want to hear you moan my name…_

 _Fuck._

\-----------------

“Hey,” said Victor as he leaned against the doorframe. “You came after all,” a smirk curled his lips and a glint sparkled in his icy blue eyes.

He looked so _pleased_ —it made Yuuri want to scream in frustration. He also looked hot as hell, as always. Wearing nothing but a grey pair of sweatpants, perfect chest naked, Victor was sin in human form. Yuuri hated that it affected him so much.

He couldn’t help a blush from spreading across his cheeks and ears. He was already stammering for God’s sake.

“Y-Yeah, well… The bar was kinda boring tonight, you know,” Yuuri looked down, afraid his face would give away how embarrassed and aroused he was.

“Come on in. I’m sure we can find something more entertaining to do,” Victor said after eyeing Yuuri up and down, grin never leaving his face. Yuuri knew Victor was having way too much fun with the situation.

The student walked inside the familiar apartment. It looked exactly as it did during the previous nights, except for a bottle of wine on the glass table by the kitchen area and an empty but used goblet next to it. Maybe Victor was indeed waiting for him.

The student held his fists together, feeling a bit uncomfortable. His palms were slightly sweaty and his heart thumped incredibly loud. What should he do? He didn’t fell drunk enough for this situation. Maybe he should have had two more beers. Or two beers less…

He took off his glasses and stuck them to his shirt—maybe seeing less would help. He turned around to stare at Victor who had just closed and locked his apartment door with a loud _click_ , the sound ominous to Yuuri’s ears.

Yuuri gulped without noticing.

Before he could start some awkward conversation, the older man turned around. He quickly latched his hands to Yuuri’s hips and stuck his lips to Yuuri’s neck.

“Victor… Hold on…” Yuuri tried breathlessly, but the small moan that escaped his throat right after betrayed him. Victor’s lips and the way he moved them over the student’s exposed skin felt _so_ _good_.

“Uhm…” Victor barely acknowledge Yuuri’s attempt at a conversation. He looked drunk on his ex’s smell and presence. His longue licked Yuuri’s sweaty skin like it was the most delicious dessert on earth. His mouth was furious over the shorter man’s neck, making Yuuri melt even more under his touch.

They were in the middle of the small living room, and Yuuri felt his legs already going wobbly.

Seemingly noticing the student’s unsteadiness, Victor backed Yuuri into a nearby wall and continued kissing his neck relentlessly. He sucked red marks over the fading spots of the previous days. Yuuri trembled under his touch, letting out short gasps whenever Victor scrapped his teeth over the bruised smooth skin.

It was maddening how weak he was under the silver-haired man’s touch. He should stop him, but he didn’t. It had been hard enough to hide the previous marks from Phichit. He would need a whole new bottle of concealer now.

The taller man finally let go of the abused neck and moved back to stare at the mess that was Yuuri Katsuki.

Yuuri’s neck was bright red, matching the colors of his cheeks. His eyes were half-lidded with pupils blown wide. He could try to avoid Victor all he wanted, but standing this close to the older man made Yuuri lose all rational thought. Victor was like a drug, the strongest drug Yuuri knew, and he could never reject those lips.

“Victor…” Yuuri caught himself saying lowly, his mind already betraying him as he pleaded for Victor to stop staring and start touching again. He clutched the hem of Victor’s pants in an attempt to draw the man closer.

Victor licked his lips and grinned, shifting his eyes from Yuuri’s neck to his lips, and finally to his eyes. He stayed in place, not giving the student the friction that he desperately needed.

“Sorry, Yuuri, seeing you like this is hypnotizing. I want to hear you moan my name over and over…” Victor said matter-of-factly as his grin widened even more.

But Yuuri could play at this game too. Victor could be irresistible, but the student knew how to press the older man’s buttons. Quite well in fact.

With his right hand, Yuuri grabbed Victor’s firm shoulder and yanked him forward, finally pressing their lips together. He wrapped his other hand around the taller man’s neck and licked his lower lip, asking to deepen the kiss. Victor quickly complied by shoving his tongue inside Yuuri’s mouth. Victor’s hands pulled Yuuri closer, pressing their hips together. The black-haired boy moaned into the kiss.

Yuuri bucked his hips up again, trying to increase the friction. Victor was already hard under the soft fabric. Victor groaned as he continued humping his length against the shorter man. The contact felt heavenly.

Their tongues danced with desperation, both men thirsty for more. Victor moved one hand from Yuuri’s hips to explore the soft skin under the student’s shirt. He traveled his fingers with experience. Finally, he reached one of Yuuri’s nipples and circled it with his thumb. Yuuri whimpered into the kiss, the sensation was too much. His legs trembled, ready to give in. Yuuri was going mad. The soft touch and the wet noises coming from their mouths were _too_ erotic. Yuuri’s cock ached inside his jeans. He didn’t know how much longer he could take this.

After teasing the bud enough, Victor pinched the nipple without mercy. Yuuri cried out load, head rolling back and mouth falling off from Victor’s lips.

Now Victor had done it, all of rational thought long gone from Yuuri’s mind.

He grabbed Victor’s silver hair _hard_ and bit his swollen and glistening lower lip, making the man above him _groan_. They probably looked like animals.

Then Yuuri forcefully yanked Victor’s head back by the hair, separating their mouths once again. Both man panted as if they had just ran a marathon. But Yuuri knew the night had just started. Victor stared at him trough his half-lidded eyes, desire overflowing from his gaze. Yuuri felt naked whenever Victor looked at him like this, eating him up with his piercing blue stare. Victor licked his lips once more and smirked, waiting for further instructions from the shorter man pressed against the wall.

Yuuri leaned against Victor’s shoulder, hands keeping the taller man in place. His lips faintly touched the other’s ear.

“Bedroom. _Now_ ,” Yuuri finally whispered, letting go of Victor’s hair and shoulder.

Victor snapped.

Despite the Yuuri’s surprised yelp, Victor quickly lifted him of his feet and carried him hurriedly to the bedroom. He kicked the door open, almost breaking the fine wood. He threw Yuuri on the bed, making the younger man slightly dizzy with the bounce of the fluffy mattress.

When the grad student looked up, Victor was no longer grinning. He was serious, his actions frantic and fast. Yuuri knew he had turned that switch on, very successfully in fact. His lower belly heat up with a mixture of excitement and fear. There was no going back now. He knew Victor was going to fuck him senseless.

The silver-haired man left Yuuri alone on the bed to walk across the bedroom.

Yuuri felt a bit awkward as Victor strode to the nightstand to grab a bottle of lube. It felt like hours before the older man came back to join him, towering over Yuuri’s body. 

The student felt so small at times like these. He thought himself a confident man. When he wanted, he could flirt with ease. He could even seduce men like Victor—he could tease, make men beg for him.

But right now Yuuri felt tiny. When Victor got in _the_ mood, Yuuri felt like a little lamb staring at his predator, helplessly waiting to be devoured.

Yuuri propped himself on his elbows to get a better look at the man above him. Victor was kneeling on the bed, lube by his knee, just staring down at Yuuri with a finger glued to his lips. It seemed like he was thinking about where to start—or how to start—eating Yuuri up, blue eyes ogling every inch of the student’s body. Yuuri gulped, his legs felt weak again. Thank God he was lying on the bed.

“Take of your clothes,” Victor finally said. He wasn’t asking.

Without a second thought, Yuuri placed his glasses on to his side and began pulling off his Joy Division shirt. Shit, why was he wearing a band t-shit today? Victor probably though he was still an immature wannabe-trendy grad school fuck-up. _Ugh_.

His hands trembled, but he didn’t dare to stop his actions under the scrutinizing gaze above him. As soon as his shirt was off and on the ground he dared a glance above. Maybe Victor would be satisfied with his bare chest.

“Uhm. Good. Keep going,” said the older man without moving, and eyes never leaving Yuuri’s body. His composure drove the younger man insane.

Yuuri fumbled with his belt, nervous under Victor. He felt like he was performing a private stripping dance. He threw his belt to the side and continued with his jean’s button. He slowly peeled the fabric off his thighs and then off his feet, leaving only his blue boxers on—an evident bulge showing through the cloth. Stripping in front of Victor had incredibly him hard and leaking. Yuuri felt self-conscious and he _hated_ it. Really, he shouldn’t care what Victor thought of him.

“You’re too slow,” Yuuri heard Victor saying in his hazed state of embarrassment and lust. Before he could process the words, Victor’s mouth latched to the student’s briefs, mouthing the obscene bulge that pressed against the fabric. Yuuri threw his head back, letting out an involuntary loud moan. Victor’s mouth felt heavenly.

“Ah.. Crap, Vic-,” Yuuri whispered breathily. He cursed the fabric that kept Victor’s tongue away from his cock.

Soon though, he felt his boxers being gently lowered. Yuuri kept his eyes glued to the ceiling and tried to focus his vision on the expensive chandelier dangling from above. Looking at Victor right now would be too much.

As soon as the briefs were completely pulled down, he felt his cock bouncing back at his belly, tip swollen and slick. Yuuri gripped at the bed sheets as his blush deepened and spread across his chest. He felt so embarrassed but _so_ good at the same time.

Yuuri waited for the feeling of Victor’s mouth over his member. But it didn’t come.

He could feel Victor’s breath hovering over his leaking cock, but the older man wouldn’t touch it. Yuuri was trembling, shivering, waiting. Why was it taking so _long?_ Goddamn it!

The student decided to looked up with slight annoyance. What the fuck was Victor doing? …. And then he _saw_ it. That treacherous smile was back on his ex’s face, this time only centimeters away from Yuuri’s cock.

“Beg for it,” Victor purred. Yuuri’s cock twitched at the words.

 _Fuck._

“Victor…” Yuuri tried, hiding his face under his left arm. This was too much.

“ _Beg_ ,” the older man repeated, grin widening. “You made me wait all night. You come to my apartment half drunk smelling like a trashy pub. Now beg for me to touch you,” Victor said firmly, breath _too_ close to Yuuri’s swollen dick.

Yuuri was desperate. His mid was running _way_ too fast. He could already feel the tears of frustration tainting the cheeks under his arm. This man had complete control over him. He could make Yuuri drop to his lowest, show his dirtiest side. He hated himself, but he needed it so _bad_.

“Please…” he hiccuped. “Touch me, Victor. _Please_.”

As soon as he whispered the words, Yuuri saw stars.

“AH, FUCK!”

The student jumped—Victor took him in his mouth in one go. The feeling of the silver-haired man’s wet mouth around his cock overwhelmed Yuuri. It was too much. 

“Oh my _God_ , Victor! Oh m-my go-d-d.” 

Victor drew back and licked Yuuri’s cock from the base to the tip, earning shivers from the younger man. He sucked very gently, teasing while Yuuri whimpered. He drew back, gave slick kisses to the aching member’s side, and then backed down again, swallowing Yuuri’s length. The feeling was indescribable.

The sounds of Victor’s mouth around his cock were lewd. Yuuri shut his eyes hard and tried his best to control his hips from jumping up. He moaned and whimpered pitifully, gasping out short _Victors_ as the older man deep-throated him like he was born to do it.

“Yuuri,” Victor said in between loud sucks, “Take that arm off your face. I want to see you.”

Yuuri hesitated for a few seconds and then drew back his arm to clutch the sheets, daring to look down—he almost came right then and there.

Even with a mouthful of his cock, Victor somehow managed to keep a grin on his face. Victor looked so pleased with Yuuri’s dick in his mouth; he made it look like sucking Yuuri off was the most delightful thing in the world. His eyes stared at Yuuri’s tear-filled brown orbs. He _knew_ how good he was. The student couldn’t do anything but grip the sheets as hard as humanly possible.

Victor continued his kisses and licks, occasionally looking up to smirk at the student.

Yuuri is getting close. He wouldn’t last much longer like this.

“Victor!” the younger man screamed after a particularly deep mouthful, trying to warn the older man that if he kept this pace, Yuuri wouldn’t last much longer. 

His ex seemed to understand the message. His lips fell of Yuuri’s cock with a loud and obscene _pop._

“So soon, Yuuri?” the silver-haired male mocked, his mouth moving to delicately kiss Yuuri’s navel. God, this man was the devil. “I thought you had good stamina, no?”

“Fuck you,” Yuuri said with hasted breath, blush deepening even more.

“Uhm, so you’re going to behave like this?” Victor asked, mischief coating his words. He gripped Yuuri’s thighs hard and spreading them wide. “What a bad boy.”

Victor sucked on Yuuri’s white skin, leaving marks on the inside of the student’s thighs. Yuuri shivered. Victor’s teasing was going too far. Yuuri wanted to be fucked already, or to come, or both. He unlatched one of his hands from the sheets and began to guide it towards his now abandoned member. He needed release.

But before he could circle his hand around his aching cock, Victor suddenly he flipped the black-haired boy over.

“Vi-victor!” Yuuri yelled in protest. Victor answered by kissing his shoulder blades.

“No touching, Yuuri… You should know better,” Victor stated while kissing Yuuri’s soft skin. “I will satisfy you myself. 

Yuuri whimpered. He was so aroused, but he knew Victor wouldn’t let him off easy. Victor _loved_ being in control. The more Yuuri struggled and tried to get off, the longer Victor would tease him and make him wait. _Fuck_.

Half of Yuuri’s face was pressed against the mattress, but the other half was fully open to Victor’s cares. Yuuri gripped the pillow over his head. Hopefully Victor wouldn’t notice how desperate he was.

Victor kept kissing up and down Yuuri’s back slowly, moving to his neck and then finally to his exposed ear.

“Ugh,” Yuuri bucked his hips against the mattress, trying to get some friction for his cock. It was so mean. Victor knew his ears were his soft spot.

Victor bit Yuuri’s lobe and then sucked it lightly making the student feel like he was in heaven.

Thin tears left the corner of Yuuri’s orbs only to be instantly licked by Victor’s tongue. He placed soft kisses on Yuuri’s cheek and eyelids, and then moved back to suck behind his ear. 

“You’re so cute whimpering like this. Your tears taste divine, Yuuri,” the older man said with a chuckle.

Yuuri moaned loud as Victor finally ground against him. He could feel Victor’s clothed member hard under the grey sweater.

“I want to tear you apart,” Victor whispered against his ear, more serious this time.

Yuuri could only moan again at the bold statement. His hips moved involuntarily, meeting Victor’s clothed dick in the air. Victor groaned so desperately at the touch that Yuuri felt a bit proud inside.

Victor bit his neck in response. He was getting rougher. The older man shifted his weight so that he could sustain his weight above Yuuri with one hand, moving the other close to the black-haired boy’s face.

“Suck them,” Victor demanded as he pressed his middle and index fingers to Yuuri’s mouth. The younger man slowly opened his mouth to experimentally lick the older man’s digits.

Unfortunately, Victor wasn’t in the patient mood anymore.

Victor crushed his hips down hard again, earning a yelp from Yuuri, who involuntarily opened his mouth to have Victor’s fingers shoved inside the wet cave. 

The older man played with Yuuri’s tongue as the younger man tried his best to coat the fingers with saliva. Yuuri looked up with wet brown eyes. Victor’s watched him so hungrily his body shivered.

Spit dripped down his chin, his breath frantic as he slightly gaged at the long fingers pushed viciously in his mouth. His knuckles were white from the strong grip on the pillow, his neck was bruised with kiss marks, his cheeks were tainted with tears and red from embarrassment, and his pupils were dilated with desire. Yuuri knew he looked debauched. 

Victor backed away a bit, removing his fingers from the small mouth and moving his hands to grab Yuuri’s ass. The older man massaged the mound of flesh while the black-haired boy purred at the sensation and at the feeling a strong gaze traveling over his body.

Yuuri was almost completely relaxed before Victor decided to change things up again.

“On your knees, Yuuri” Victor pulled him up by the hips. Yuuri pressed his elbows against the mattress to gain support and pulled himself on his knees.

Victor’s hands were still on his ass. With his left thumb he spread Yuuri’s cheek to stare at his hole. The younger man couldn’t help but contract the muscles in shame. He was so _exposed_.

“Stop staring and playing around! Get on with it, Victor,” Yuuri looked back and yelled. He was ready to be fucked. With the way they had been humping like rabbits the past four days, Victor could probably shove his cock in Yuuri’s ass without much effort.

But Victor had other plans. The silver-haired man licked his lips at the sight and laughed at Yuuri’s lack of patience. Yuuri might have good stamina, but he often lacked patience.

Without warning, Victor quickly lowered his head to lick the pink entrance. That was _not_ what Yuuri expected.

Yuuri _screamed_.

His toes curled, and his fists gripped the pillows above his head as if his life depended on it.

“Oh my _God_ , oh my god, oh my god,” Yuuri rambled over his words as Victor kept licking his twitching hole. The student was going literally insane with that hot tongue pressed against him—those movements over Yuuri’s delicate skin just felt too _good_.

Victor circled the muscles with his tongue and sucked around the entrance slowly and wet.

As Victor pressed his tongue inside the ring of muscles, Yuuri let out probably the loudest moan of his life.

“ _Fuck_! God…!”

He wanted to kill himself. Or kill Victor. Or tear his skin apart. He didn’t know. But feeling this good should not be legal.The black-haired boy sobbed between moans. He was utterly addicted. _Fuck_.

“That’s not the name you should be screaming, Yuuri. God has nothing to do with this. Call _my_ name,” Victor said nonchalantly as he removed his mouth from the now leaking entrance and began tracing his index finger over Yuuri’s hole. Yuuri was a crying mess. His right hang had moved to grip his own messy hair, his thighs trembled, and his eyes were swollen.

“V-vitor… P-please… Victor, Victor, _Victor_ …” He pleaded.

Victor used his free hand to trace his jawline, the delicate touch earning a purr from Yuuri.

“Shhhh, baby. It’s okay. You’ve done well. I’ll make you feel good, don’t worry,” Victor said with the sweetest voice. He grabbed the bottle next to his knees and began to coat his fingers with lube.

Victor wrapped one of his arms around the younger man’s waist and held him up in place.

He pressed his free middle finger against Yuuri’s hole, slowly entering him. He pushed his digit down all the way and gradually pulled it back up in a motion. He kept the slow motion for a few minutes. Yuuri whimpered at the feeling.

“Vic-tor… You can go faster,” Yuuri tried with a hiccupped voice.

“Uhmm… Really…” Victor chuckled. _Goddamn it_. The older man ignored Yuuri and kept his slow ministrations for a while. It was all so dirty yet delicate. Victor’s finger’s opened him so effortlessly.

The squishy sound of lube coming in and out of his entrance made his member ache.

Without notice, Victor turned Yuuri around, forcing the younger man to stare at his ex’s face again. He looked so _pleased_.

Before Yuuri could register what was happening, Victor pushed two fingers inside him, slightly quickening the pace as Yuuri had previously ordered. 

“Ahh…!” Yuuri’s head fell back. Victor did not wait to latch his mouth to the exposed neck.

He opened Yuuri gently and kissed him in such a sluggish manner. He licked the student’s neck and kissed Yuuri like he was the tastiest dessert on earth. It made the black-haired man feel like he was drowning.

He moaned and purred; he felt complete ecstasy.

But the silver-haired man was finally getting impatient, Yuuri could notice.

He began whispering sweet nothings into Yuuri’s ears as he bit and licked the abused lobe. His fingers kept pumping in and out of the student’s lubed hole.

“Yuuri, you’re so beautiful… You take my fingers in so well. Such a good boy,” Victor kept his lips glued to Yuuri’s right ear. “Ahhh, baby, you make me go insane. Why are you like this… So good, Yuuri. You take it so well. Why can’t we just…”

“Victor!” Yuuri nearly jumped out of bed as Victor curled his fingers and hit his prostate.

“Huh, it looks like I found it…” Victor stated as he curled his fingers again, abusing Yuuri’s sweet spot.

Yuuri curved his back and gripped Victor’s shoulder, overwhelmed by the sensations cursing through his body.

“V-victor… Oh, my God, Ahhh…” Victor shut him up by capturing his lips, kissing him passionately. Yuuri’s hands left his shoulders to grab Victor’s hair, frantically gripping at the silver strands. Victor nibbled and sucked Yuuri’s lower lip. They were sweaty and needy, moving so desperately as if it was the last time they would fuck—like it was the last time they would feel this good. 

Victor let his fingers fall out of Yuuri’s entrance with a dirty sound. He was lubed up and ready. His hole twitched at the loss of action. He needed more _now_.

Yuuri stared at Victor as he left the bed to take off his sweatpants and boxers. Yuuri barely registrated he was licking his own lips as he waited for Victor to get back to him.

Victor grabbed the lube and coated his aching length while he stared at Yuuri sprawled on the mattress. His icy eyes sparkled with hunger. Yeah, He _definitely_ looked like a predator.

Coming back to the bed, he grabbed Yuuri’s wrists with his right hand and pinned them above the shorter man’s head. His left hand traveled through Yuuri’s chest, circling his nipples.

“Victor... Enough teasing, please…” Yuuri’s voice was low and throaty.

Victor shut him up with his lips, sucking on his tongue and lips while his left hand traveled through Yuuri’s body.

Victor moved the hand from Yuuri’s chest to push one of the younger man’s thigh up, giving him more access to Yuuri’s entrance. 

He guided the head of his cock to the black-haired boy’s hole and pushed in slowly, waiting for Yuuri to adjust. Victor’s always took him slow and nice at first, making his body melt.

“Oh, G-god,” Yuuri breathed out as Victor bottomed him out. The older man kissed his calf with soft lips and placing the leg on his shoulder. 

“You feel so good, Yuuri. So perfect,” Victor loved praising him during sex. It made Yuuri’s cock twitch and leak.

The silver-haired man drove long and slow thrusts into Yuuri’s body—the perfect rhythm driving the student insane. Even inside him Victor still managed to be a tease. 

Yuuri moan and arched his back as Victor groaned and praised him.

His movements gradually speed up, sweat pooling on the older man’s forehead. His breath came out in gasps and he began softly whispered Yuuri’s name as if it was a prayer.

“Yuuri, baby, yes! _Yuuri_ …”

His eyes were glued to Yuuri’s frame, drinking in the sight of the writhing body beneath him. Yuuri turned his head to the side to try to ignore the piercing gaze.

Victor took the opportunity to attack Yuuri’s ear. He blew in and sucked the abused lobe, earning a whine from Yuuri as he scratched Victor’s back in pleasure. Victor smirked at the reaction.

The older man dropped Yuuri’s leg from his shoulder and slightly adjusted the body under him to the side.

He withdrew from the hot entrance and then plunged himself back in, changing his angle to hit Yuuri’s sweet spot. The student let out an animalistic growl in response, his sensitive nerves being over-stimulated beyond belief.

“Victor, Victor…!” Yuuri screamed as tears fell from his eyes. His nails drew blood from Victor’s shoulders.

Victor kept abusing his prostate as he kissed dark marks on Yuuri’s neck.

“Yes, baby, you’re doing _so_ well. You take me in so well, Yuuri. _Ugh_.”

Yuuri knew Victor was close. His speech was half-coherent and his thrusts were getting erratic. But he was getting close too. _Fuck_.

“Victor…!” Sensing his urgency, the older man moved his hand to grab Yuuri’s length, pumping him with hard thrusts. 

“Come for me, baby.” Victor ordered and Yuuri obeyed, quickly releasing himself all over his stomach and Victor’s hands. White pleasure blinded him temporarily—his whole body trembled involuntarily and his mouth fell open while the aftermath of the orgasm washed over him. Victor used the opportunity to stick him tongue in Yuuri’s mouth. 

He thrust a few more times into the student, hard and needy, gripping Yuuri’s hips under him like his life depended on it. Victor moaned into a sloppy kiss and finally released himself inside the younger man.  

Victor’s breath was ragged like Yuuri’s. He touched their foreheads together, staying still for a couple of minutes. Their gasps intertwined with the proximity. Yuuri could feel the heat of Victor’s body. He wished the moment could have lasted longer.

Soon Victor was rolling off him, resting his head on the pillow next to Yuuri.

Yuuri hated that moment the most—the awkward post-bliss chitchat. Victor probably wanted him gone _fast_ , but he was always so embarrassed to move. What should he say? _Good fuck, see ya?_

It was sad that he could be this uncomfortable with the person who had made him feel the most confortable in the past.

“Uhm… I-I…” Yuuri started a sentence he wasn’t sure how to finish. He stared at the celling looking for intelligible words. 

Before he could continue his ramble, Victor turned to his side and latched his body to Yuuri’s side, hand falling on his chest and slightly massaging the skin of Yuuri’s stomach with small circles. His silver hair fell on Yuuri’s shoulder as he kissed the student’s collarbone. 

“You should stay,” Victor said so softly that Yuuri wondered if he was imagining it. His heart jumped at the words, his mouth became dry. Part of him screamed _yes, that’s all you want Yuuri,_ but the more rational side of him said _no, that’s a terrible idea_.

Yuuri knew he would easily misinterpret what staying over meant. Victor probably just wanted to fuck again in the morning. But the student’s fragile and naïve heart would mistake it for a chance of getting back together.

He couldn’t let Victor Nikiforov break his heart. Not _again_.

Gathering all the force in his being, Yuuri propped himself on his elbows, breaking the intimate touch of Victor’s skin. He stared down at his ex and tried to look as serious as possible, hoping the slight tremor in his voice wouldn’t give away his reluctance to leave.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Victor. And I don’t think we should do this again,” Yuuri stated as firmly as he could.

Victor looked hurt for a second. But Yuuri might have imagined it. The older man’s face soon looked impassive and distant.

“As you wish, Yuuri,” he answered simply.

“I-I should… Get going now,” Yuuri blushed and stammered. For some reason he felt his stomach drop. What was he expecting—Victor to stop him? Really?

“Yeah, you should.”

Yuuri felt tears burning in the corners of his eyes. He needed to get out of there _fast_. The last thing he wanted was for Victor to see him break down about this silly late night escapade.

He turned his back to Victor and quickly got dressed. Victor’s icy cold gaze never left him. Despite putting his glasses and clothes back on, he felt more naked by the minute. Yuuri’s eyes burned and his hands trembled over his jean’s button.

As he left the bedroom door, Yuuri quickly glanced back, trying to gage if Victor was going to open the door for him to leave.

The stony stare he got back was enough of an answer for him 

“S-see you,” Yuuri blurted out as he quickly as he could and strolled out of the familiar apartment, not waiting to hear back from Victor. He unlocked the older man’s door and left without looking back again. When he was safely out of the apartment, the student leaned against the wall, attempting to steady his breath and his thoughts. His heart ached. He felt like shit.

The black-haired man had to figure out how he was going to get home.

Suddenly he heard the sound of something shattering against the wall from inside Victor’s apartment, which startled Yuuri. _What the fuck_?

He decided a cab would have to do right now. He would think about money problems later. He just needed to leave that place.

\------------------

As soon as the cab pulled by his tiny apartment, the student rushed upstairs. He just wanted to be home.

He opened the door to the small living room. The scent of old books and ground coffee temporarily made him feel safe and calm.

But as soon as he stepped inside the small familiar space, Victor’s cum began to drip down his thigh. Yuuri felt like trash, and he broke down completely.

Phichit didn’t seem to be home yet; he was probably still partying up at the pub, thinking Yuuri had gone back early to get some much-needed sleep.

He let out a sob he was holding ever since he left Victor’s bed. Yuuri dropped to his knees, hands to his eyes as ugly tears fell in succession. He hiccupped and gasped and sobbed again. His knees trembled. He felt like dying. He was so dirty—fluids of the man who broke him still gushing out of his body.

He gripped his shirt in an attempt to calm himself, but nothing seemed to help his state of hopelessness. He felt so out of air, like he was drowning in his sorrow. Tears kept rolling and rolling down his cheeks. Yuuri grunted in frustration and slammed his fist against the wood floor. Why did he let it affect him so much?

The student trundled to the floor and crunched up on himself, holding his knees and letting more sniffles fall out of his mouth.

 At least out of the public eye, and out of Victor’s sight, he could be as pitiful as he needed. He could cry and yell without anyone caring or looking down on him. He rocked his body and let the sadness take over. He just needed to let himself _feel_.

It seemed like hours before he realized he had stopped crying, his glasses sticky with tears. None of the other nights had felt this bad. There was something about the way Victor asked him to stay that just broke him. How can someone make you feel so good and so awful at the same time?

Yuuri picked himself up and walked slowly to the bathroom. He discarded his clothes and decided he needed to throw them out, maybe even burn them.

He washed himself slowly, cleaning the last remains of Victor off his body. Tomorrow he would forget this ever happened.

After he finished showering and getting dressed, the student felt better. He lay on his bed and began to analyze his situation more rationally. Yuuri was _not_ a pitiful being after all. He needed to get himself together.

And after much silent reflection, he decided three things.

First, he would tell Phichit everything in the morning. He needed his friend to help him get rid of this life-threatening addiction. Phichit wouldn’t judge him—he knew it. He might be pissed at first, but Yuuri was confident his best friend would only try to help him.

Second, he would delete Victor’s number and block him. Now that he knew Victor could _actually_ send texts, it wasn’t safe to have him on his phone. Yuuri needed to get rid of him for good. It would be hard, but it was _just_ a press of buttons. Yuuri could do it.

Third, he would forget all about Victor and never think about the man again. Yuuri was a 23-year-old mature adult. He could easily forget an ex boyfriend if he wanted to.

It was decided, he would never think about the silver-haired man again, _and_ he would never meet with Victor again. Ever.

Except he did.

 _Fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it folks!
> 
> I hope it wasn't too angsty. I feel like in Yuuri and Victor's case there is definitely salvation to the relationship. I imagine that Yuuri broke up with Victor after a misunderstanding or something due to his anxiety. 
> 
> Since the fic is from Yuuri's POV, we can't really see what Victor is thinking. But I definitely believe both still feel strongly for each other. In that sense this fic is very different from my past experiences haha.
> 
> Andddd because everyone was being so supportive I decided to continue this! Coming up next is Victor's both and then the happe ending everyone craves (I do as well lol). Thanks for all the kudos and comments, it really warms my heart. This was a lot of fun to write! Hope you guys enjoy the rest.
> 
> Ciao!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His mind couldn’t process the situation. Yuuri didn't love him back and he was breaking up with Victor because he didn’t want the older man to get hurt. 
> 
> But it hurt. A lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dudes, what's up!
> 
> Ok, so this is kind of an optional chapter. Sorry about that! I needed to explore Victor's side to write the resolution of their issue (coming soon!). 
> 
> This is like a lot of feels lol. So if you want to skip this and only read the final part that's completely ok. Victor is a much more difficult character to write in my opinion (we know so little about him), so this might be way crappier than Yuuri's POV lol.
> 
> Again, sorry about any typos, etc. My writing is usually accompanied by some drinksss. (Also sorry my characters drink so much haha, they have a little bit of me in them). 
> 
> No explicit smut in this, but I promise I'll write some hot action for the next chap. 
> 
> I'll shut up know,  
> Enjoy!

**10 Months Ago**

“Victor! You came,” Chris yelled from across the room. The tall blond strolled through the crowd to reach his friend, bright smile never leaving his face.

“Of course I would come,” Victor said as Chris gave him a short hug. “How could I miss the opening night of your exhibit?” He tried to sound cheerful, but he was unsure how convincing he was being. The huge migraine that thumped in his brain was making it hard for Victor to keep a happy face on.

“Let me know what you think, Victor. I’m really proud of this one.”

Of course he was, Chris was an amazing visual artist. He was very famous locally. Despite the searing migraine, Victor was still genuinely proud of him and happy to support his friend.

“I think I was able to capture a whole new level of sensuality with the darker tones,” Chris stated smugly. He looked around to stare at his own pieces as if they enamored him.

“You certainly did, Chris,” Victor sighed as he patted his friend on the shoulder. Chris could be so over the top sometimes. “You should probably get back to your other guests though. I’ll give you my pointers later.”

“I’ll look forward to it, Victor! Maybe I will inspire you to use a more sensual touch in your own projects,” Chris winked at his friend and then left to talk to a group of people nearby.

Victor felt relieved to be alone again. Just talking made his head hurt even more. He really needed to stop pulling off all-nighters for his work.

He decided to look around a bit more and then discreetly leave to relax at the comfort of his own home for the rest of the evening.

He picked up a flute of champagne from a passing waiter and sipped the liquid in the hopes it would help the ache in his head. He moved to the next room and looked at the pieces Chris had created. They were exquisite indeed, even superior from the last collection.

But Victor wondered how on earth would he be able to incorporate Chris’ influence in his own work. Victor was an architect, and despite thinking buildings could be beautiful, he doubted they could be sexy. He silently laughed at the idea. Chris was indeed a character for suggesting such things.

After a few minutes of looking through the pieces and sipping the drink in his hand, Victor felt his migraine slightly weaken. Maybe he could stand 20 more minutes of the exhibit for his friend.

Or maybe not…

“Oh my _God_ , Yuuri! I can’t believe we’re here. This is amazing!” screeched a young man nearby. Goddamn, why did Chris give away those free tickets to every opening night? Of course of couple of overly excited college kids would show up. Now Victor’s migraine would most certainty come back full force.

Victor tried to ignore the young man that yelled to his friend about how “awesome” it was to be there, concentrating on a large red panel in front of him. Chris would ask him about the exhibit anyway. But as the college student rambled on and moved closer, Victor could already feel waves of pain reentering his brain. _Ugh_.

Victor was about to move to the next room to avoid the loud kids when he heard the most heavenly sound to have possibly _ever_ been uttered.

The laugh was quiet, but it sounded so soothing. Little giggles that could make the grumpiest man on earth break into a smile. Victor was sure that only an angel could possess such a _warm_ laugh.

He quickly turned around looking for the person who was emitting such a perfect sound.

“Phichit,” a black-haired young man with the prettiest brown eyes Victor had ever seen said between giggles. “You’re being too loud, people will think we’re annoying.”

Victor thought that was simply _absurd_. He didn’t think that voice could ever be annoying. Victor felt that he could listen to him talking forever.

Now he was conflicted. What was more perfect? The laugh, the voice, or the entire man himself? His looks matched his voice perfectly. He wasn’t very tall, but he walked very gracefully. His skin looked soft and his glasses fell elegantly on his beautiful rounded face.

Victor reprimanded himself mentally for previously thinking they were annoying college kids. He would never complain to Chris about giving away free tickets again. Thank the _Lord_ for free tickets!

After a few second Vicotr realized he was staring. He turned his head back to the panel in front of him. He thought that art now looked dull compared to the perfect creature who had entered the room.

He needed a plan.

Victor needed to talk to that man. He needed to do _something_. Goddamn, he didn’t even register their names. He should have listened to the conversation more intently instead of just staring...

The pair looked slightly underdressed for the situation. Victor thought it was kinda cute. They were wearing jeans and button down shirts, while most of the party guests wore tuxedos or suits. Victor himself had been too lazy due to his migraine to think about his outfit, so he opted for a simple black suit.

He observed from afar trying to be discreet. The other student, a black-haired boy with darker skin, took his friend from piece to piece, seemingly explaining the meaning behind each of Chris’ designs. He looked so excited. The perfect being next to him just listened to his friend and giggled from time to time about the other’s eagerness.

Victor chuckled at the scene. The glasses student was just so _cute_. He needed to get to know that man. He hadn’t felt that eager about meeting someone since, like, ever.

Looking around he thought about how to approach them. He couldn’t just come up and say _hey you are probably the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, please have coffee with me._ Right?

Now he was getting nervous. That was _weird_. Victor Nikiforov was _never_ nervous. He usually _made_ people nervous. He sipped the last drops of his champagne glass. What the hell was going on.

The waiter passed in front of Victor again and then it hit him.

He had the perfect plan.

He grabbed a new flute and settled his empty one on the tray, thanking the waiter for the new glass.

He slowly walked towards the students who were discussing one of the pieces. Victor pretended he was analyzing the piece as well, standing right behind the pair.

When Victor deemed them distracted enough, he swiftly bumped into the pair, efficiently spilling the contents of his flute on the glasses student white button down shirt.

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry!” Victor stated with feigned guilt. “Someone bounced into me and I lost my balance.” White lies were okay when you needed an excuse to talk to such a beautiful man. Thank the lord the gallery was crowded.    

“It’s okay…” the young man replied after his initial surprise. He tried to clean his shirt with his hands. “It’s a cheap shirt anyway.” And then he looked up.

When his eyes met Victor’s a slight blush blossomed on his cheeks. Victor thought it was the most beautiful color he had ever seen.

“It doesn’t matter! It’s my fault, so I would like to take full responsibility. Please let me pay for the dry cleaning fee.” Victor said with a friendly voice.

“N-no, it’s o-kay, re-,” now the adorable creature was stammering. Victor wanted to jump on him right there.

“I insist,” Victor interrupted the young man with a smile. He reached inside his suit jacket to grab his wallet. But it wasn’t money he offered the man.

“Here is my business card. Please call me tomorrow and I can pick up your shirt. Unfortunately I don’t think you should take it off right now, although I wouldn’t mind seeing you without it,” Victor said with a wink. The young man’s blush intensified. A lot.

“Oh, my,” the friend whispered next to the blushing boy as he put his hands to his mouth, unsuccessfully hiding his giggles. Oh well, Victor could never hide too well when he was flirting. When he wanted something he put himself out there to get it.  

“I’m Victor by the way,” he finally said. and the young man finally picked up the business card from Victor’s hand.

“Uhm.. Yuuri…” the student replied bashfully.

 

**4 Months Ago**

Heavy rain poured outside. The day was chilly and people were bundled up in heavy coats under their umbrellas.

Victor watched the movement of the street from his office window. He wondered if Yuuri was wearing enough clothes that day. He got chilly so easily.

The weather was foul, but his mood was the best. Victor Nikiforov, at the age of 30, was in love for the first time in his life. And he was going to propose.

He wanted to scream to the world how much he loved Yuuri.

In six months, Yuuri turned his whole world upside down. At first, Victor thought it was just a simple crush. He had never been able to fall in love with any of his former partners.

They would have fun and spend some time together, but eventually Victor would end it. He always did it nicely and tried not to hurt their feelings more than needed. But he thought the love of life was his work, and no person would ever be able to compete with it.

But Yuuri, oh _Yuuri_ , was _so_ different form the rest. What was supposed to be a 2-month fling had turned into Victor’s sole reason for living.

He still loved his job, but he would drop anything on earth to be with the other man. Nothing competed with Yuuri.

Yuuri’s laugh was more beautiful by the day. He was perfect, and the way his brown orbs stared at Victor’s icy gaze made Victor’s heart swell with happiness and adoration.

The architect also admired Yuuri’s personality. He was shy sometimes, but he had a side full of mischief as well. Yuuri could be sexy when he wanted, but he could also be the kindest person. He was a good friend to his close ones and a hard worker. He inspired Victor more than anyone. The way he studied so hard for his psychology master’s and the way he wanted to help people with mental illnesses made Victor so _proud_.

Victor knew Yuuri struggled with anxiety, and he began to try to get more acquainted with the condition. He wanted to support his most important person as well as he could. He wanted to know everything about Yuuri.

 

After all, he decided he was going to marry that boy.

Victor knew he was an impulsive person, but he was sure this was a great decision. Possibly the best he had ever made in his life.

Yuuri was not living with him yet, but they spent almost every night together. Half of Yuuri’s clothes were in Victor’s apartment. Victor kept repeating to himself that it wouldn’t be too crazy to propose, even if he hadn’t necessarily even told Yuuri he loved him yet.

This whole love thing was knew to the architect…

The realization came in like a hurricane. As he watched Yuuri sleep the previous night, it suddenly hit Victor. He was in love. They had never said the words to each other, but now Victor wondered: what were they waiting for?! Thinking back he probably fell in love with Yuuri at first sight. He felt so stupid now.

He almost woke Yuuri up to tell him in the excitement of his epiphany.

But then he decided. It would be _much_ better if I told him while proposing, _yes,_ that would be perfect. They would move in together, Yuuri would feel more at ease without having to pay for rent, and they could get married as soon as Yuuri finished his master’s. Everything would be _perfect._

Victor could barely contain his enthusiasm during breakfast the next morning; he wanted to run out of the apartment to buy an engagement ring. Yuuri even asked him if everything was all right. Ha. Everything was _more_ than all right.

But he opted to reply with a simple _I’m ok_. He couldn’t ruin the surprise after all.

The silver-haired man stopped by a jewelry shop before work and chose a simple but elegant design.

Now he just had to wait for Yuuri to come meet him after he left the university. He would take him to a fancy dinner at Yuuri’s favorite Japanese restaurant and pop the question after dessert. _Classic_.

He was so excited. A bit nervous. But majorly very, _very_ excited.

 

Contrary to his emotional epiphanies, his work had gone nowhere today. One of his assistants couldn’t stop giggling as Victor paced up and down the office.

It was almost time for Yuuri to arrive and Victor was a ball of energy.

He decided to get some water to calm his nerves. He needed to act normal in front of his lover throughout dinner, and with the way Victor was all over the place, Yuuri would know something was up as soon as they met.

He walked to the kitchen area of the office and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. As soon as he lifted the bottle to his lips his phone rang on his pocket.

Chris’ name appeared on the screen and Victor chuckled. He promised to call his best friend after the proposal to tell him how it went. But apparently Chris was too eager and called him early.

“Victor! Have you done it?! Jesus, I can’t to be the best man,” Chris said eagerly through the phone. Victor laughed again.

“Not yet, not yet. I’m still at the office. And you flirt with Yuuri so much in front of me that I don’t know if you deserve the best man position,” Victor replied.

“Well, you better do it quickly! You know, Yuuri has an _amazing_ butt, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone tried to snatch him from you. And I flirt with him cuz he’s the cutest. You can’t blame me,” Chris teased. Victor knew Chris loved seeing him jealous.

“Don’t even go there. I’ll be mad, Chris,” Victor replied firmly.

“Sorry, sorry. Heh. You really like this kid don’t you? I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Chris, don’t be ridiculous. I don’t like Yuuri _at all_. You’re my best friend, you should know that,” Victor paused for a while, appreciating the surprised _what_ Chris let out. Then he completed, “I am utterly in love with that man.”

“Victor, don’t do that to my heart,” Chris laughed on the other line.

“I’ll call you after, as I _already_ promised,” Victor said trying to get off the phone. He was anxious to see Yuuri.

“Okay, okay, Romeo. Can’t wait to hear your engagement story. Talk to you later,” Chris finally gave in.

“Bye, bye, Chris,” Victor hang up with a smile on his face. His best friend was making him even more excited about this proposal.

Nothing could go wrong. _Nothing_. He was in love and this would be perfect.

Except something did go wrong.

 

Little did Victor know that Yuuri was right there on the hallway next to the kitchen door as Victor spoke on the phone, not wanting to interrupt his lover. Yuuri just waited patiently outside as Victor talked to Chris so he could fetch the silver-haired man for a very awaited date.

And little did he know Yuuri left before the conversation ended.

Little did he know Yuuri rushed out right after Victor joked that he “didn’t like Yuuri _at all_.”

Little did he know Yuuri cried on the elevator as he ran away, disappointed with the fact that Victor was not as in love with him as Yuuri was with Victor, berating himself for having misinterpreted everything. They had never discussed the relationship after all. They had never said, “I love you.” And Victor never had serious relationships.

Little did he know Yuuri thought Victor was just playing with him.

 

The architect was about to call Yuuri to ask him why he was taking so long when he got a text.

Yuuri <3: _I think we need to talk, I don’t think we are on the same page and I’m not sure this is working out…_

Victor’s heart stopped, dropping the water bottle to the floor. That didn’t look good. Same page?! What the actual fuck.

Victor typed a quick _I’ll meet you back at my apartment_ and rushed out of his office, a little black box weighting heavy in his pocket.

A million things ran through his head. Had Yuuri figured out he wanted to propose? Did he not love Victor? Had Victor misunderstood everything? If he thought back to their days together, Victor remembered they had never discussed the relationship much. But Victor was so happy he never second-guessed it. Was he just a fuck to Yuuri?

He drove home like a madman. He was even surprised he was able to avoid hitting anyone.

He finally stumbled through the front door of the apartment panting havily from running up the stairs. Yuuri’s back was turned to the door. The student was sitting silently on the couch.

“Yuuri..?” Victor called him from the door.

“You should sit, Victor,” the student said firmly, but his voice broke a bit at the end. He didn’t even turn to look at his lover.

Victor circled around the couch to sit on one of his red armchairs. His heart skipped a bit when he saw Yuuri’s face, his eyes were red and swollen. He wasn’t sure what was happening. Victor’s palms suddenly became sweaty and shaky.

“What’s going on, Yuuri? I thought you were meeting me at the office so we could have dinner? What is that text about?” Victor tried to initiate the conversation.

“I… I-I’ve been thinking, Victor… I don’t know if-if this, _we_ are working out,” he said with a hiccupped voice, but never letting a tear fall from his eyes.

“Why?!” Victor said louder than he meant. Yuuri seem to flinch a little. Everything was going perfectly. Yuuri seemed so happy, at least that’s what Victor thought.

Had he been so blinded by his own happiness he didn’t see Yuuri’s misery?

“Yuuri, I don’t understand what you’re-“ he began with a softer voice.

“I don’t think we feel the same for each other, Victor. We are on different pages. I thought…” Yuuri interrupted Victor. His voice trembled. “I don’t know. I thought we were something, but I think I was mistaken. We have different expectations. We should end this before one of us gets really hurt.”

 _Different expectations…_ The words resonated in Victor’s head. So he _knew_. He knew Victor was going to propose.

The information sank slowly. The architect was in shock.

Victor just sat there silently, Yuuri’s words still ranging in his head like a mantra. Yuuri looked like he was waiting for Victor to say something.

But he couldn’t. His mind couldn’t process the situation. Yuuri didn't love him back and he was breaking up with Victor because he didn’t want the older man to get hurt.

But it hurt. A _lot_.

He couldn’t move.

“Okay…” Victor heard himself saying. He didn’t think he had the energy to say anything else. He felt like a loser.

He heard his own heart break. A loud _clack_ inside himself. Oh, the irony. He broke so many hearts but he never knew it hurt this much.

Yuuri seemed somewhat surprised by the answer. His beautiful brown orbs widened a bit. He hesitated for a little while and then stood up.

“Okay…” Yuuri whispered, repeating Victors own words.

Victor didn’t even registered as Yuuri walked to the door.

“I’ll come by tomorrow while you’re at work to pick up my things. I’ll leave the spare key under the carpet,” Yuuri said firmly, so _emotionless_ , as he closed the door behind him.

“Okay…” Victor said to no one and just stayed there, body unmoving. His mind was blank.

After a few minutes of _nothing_ , he walked slowly to the kitchen, opened a cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of vodka. He quickly removed the cap and took a large sip. And then another.

He walked to his window taking a chug of the burning liquid. It hurt and it felt right.

As he held the window frame with his free hand he noticed his it was wet and trembling. Thick tears rolled from his chin and fell silently on his fingers. He wondered when he had started crying.

Then something clicked in his head. The _ring._ It was still in his pocked.

Victor moved his unsteady hand to his pants and took out the small black box, staring intently at the small object.

He never hated anything more than he hated that black velvet box right now.

With a grunt he opened the window forcefully, not caring about the gush of cold wind that entered his apartment. Victor glared at the box one final time and threw it to the street.

How the fuck did his life fall apart in mere hours?

The silver-haired man took another chug and retreated back to the warm parts of his apartment, his numbness and confusion slowly being take over by anger.

He moved to the kitchen and picked up vase from counter, throwing it against the wall with a loud grunt.

Victor watched the porcelain shatter as his whole world broke down.

But breaking his own belongings wasn’t really helping Victor feel any better.

He slumped on the couch, took another sip of vodka, and threw his head back. Why the _fuck_ was this happening to him?

 

**Yesterday**

Victor sipped his fancy wine as he stared at his phone. He had been waiting for a text from Yuuri for the past 3 hours.

He was getting so impatient. He tapped his fingers against the table and continued drinking the liquid. He needed to chill.

He wondered if maybe he should just call and get it over with.

Yuuri had called him and come over the past four days. What was going on tonight?

Victor wondered if he was being dumb. Fucking the man that broke your heart was probably not the best idea ever. But it was _Yuuri_. The younger man was the love of Victor’s life. He could never reject the student.

 

After Yuuri broke up with him the same night Victor was going to propose, Victor had slumped into dangerously depressed state. But he didn’t want to force the student to be with someone he didn’t love.

He deleted Yuuri’s number, removed himself from Yuuri’s life, and tried his best to let it go.

But he just couldn’t forget the man. He tried drowning himself in work, he tried dating other people, as Chris suggested, but no one makes Victor’s heart beat faster like Yuuri does.

After the break up, Victor dreamed about his black-haired lover almost every day. He dreamed about them being happy, living together, being married. He dreamed about a perfect life that once felt so close to reality.

He hated waking up.

 

But suddenly, Yuuri was back in his life.

When he accidentally met Yuuri last week, four months after their break up, he thought it _had_ to be fate.

The slight hope of seeing his former lover again might have had something to do with Victor’s choice for his lunch break location. And yeah, going to a coffee place two blocs from Yuuri’s university might have helped the destined encounter.

But Victor still thought it was a great coincidence and a _sign_. So he gave Yuuri his knew number and _prayed_ he would call. Maybe after so many months Yuuri had realized he made a mistake…

Maybe Victor could be happy again with the love of his life. He tried to play it cool, but when it came to Yuuri, Victor was kind of a desperate romantic.

When an unknown number appeared on his phone screen that night, Victor almost had a heart attack.

Yeah Yuuri was slightly drunk when he came to Victor, but the man couldn’t care less.

Then he came again the next day, and the next, and the next. Victor was so happy he thought he was going to explode. He was drowning in Yuuri and it felt great. Yuuri was so delicious writhing under him. He was addicted to Yuuri’s kisses and moan. Four months with withdrawal had almost killed him.

But Yuuri never stayed over, and Victor’s emotional withdrawal was getting severe.

It pained Victor to think that Yuuri probably only saw him as an easy fuck. But it didn’t matter in the end. He was so desperate he didn’t care if Yuuri was using him.

He thought about Yuuri all day long, but he didn’t dare to call or text his ex. First he hated texts, much preferring listening to that perfect warm voice. Also, he didn’t want to seem too desperate… He pulled Yuuri away once by being overly enthusiastic. He didn’t want to make the same mistake again.

 

Now he stared at his phone again. _Goddamn,_ Yuuri. He thought the student would come again for sure.

He unlocked his phone and typed something up. He couldn’t remember the last time he send someone a text first. But he also didn’t trust himself to talk to Yuuri on the phone right now. What if he said something stupid?

He took a big sip of wine before sending the message. Then he impulsively double texted. _God,_ he hoped he didn’t sound too desperate. Chris always said double texting looks desperate… Victor might be too old for these love games.

He closed his eyes and looked around his empty apartment. Maybe Yuuri wouldn’t even answer him. Maybe he should watch a movie and go to bed.

Then his phone vibrated on the kitchen table.

Yuuri <3: Omw

Victor nearly jumped of his chair. _Yes_.

He decided he needed to do something. Change something. This routine wouldn’t do anymore.

This time he would ask Yuuri to stay over and they would actually talk about their relationship. He was sick of this situation. He loved the younger man and part of him hoped maybe Yuuri could maybe feel the same.

As Yuuri walked through the door Victor could barely contain his enthusiasm.

He jumped on Yuuri and barely made it to the bedroom.

The silver-haired man wanted to spoil Yuuri, tease him, and make him melt from pleasure. He wanted to convey how much he loved the student with his body.

It felt so good to be with Yuuri. The way he moaned Victor’s name, the way he shivered when Victor kissed his ear, everything was perfect.

He fucked him slow and deep, wanting the moment to never end.

As Victor finished up and came inside Yuuri he stared at the teary brown eyes under him. Everything felt _perfect_.

Victor rolled to the side and let a smile paint his face.

Victor’s chest moved up and down.

He looked over at Yuuri. The boy looked so beautiful. The younger man’s skin was prickly with sweat and marked by love bites, his lips were swollen, and his hair stick out in every direction. Victor thought he never saw such a beautiful sight.

Yuuri started mumbling some nonsensical shit and Victor took the opportunity to latch his body to Yuuri’s, scared the student would leave too soon. He couldn’t care less about the heat of that summer night. He just wanted to be this close to the man who made his heart flutter for the longest time possible.

He massaged Yuuri’s skin softly and kissed his collarbone. He wanted Yuuri to feel confortable with him. He _needed_ Yuuri to want him again.

“You should stay,” Victor finally said. He was sure Yuuri had had a couple of beers, so talking in the morning would probably be better. He could make some waffles, Yuuri loved those and-

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Victor. And I don’t think we should do this again,” he heard Yuuri say shyly but firmly next to him.

And Victor’s heart broke, _again_.

Goddamn, Yuuri. So it was actually just sex in the end.

Victor’s shock is quickly replaced by anger and spite. He decided not to break down in front of Yuuri. This was so humiliating.

“As you wish, Yuuri,” he answered simply.

“I-I should… Get going now,” Yuuri said and Victor thinks that’s a good idea for the first time in his life. He’s so mad at Yuuri for having so much control over him. But mostly he is pissed at himself. How did he fall with the same person twice?! And got his break shattered twice…

“Yeah, you should,” he wanted to break something.

Yuuri ran away from the bed like his life depended on it. Victor just stared at the student in disbelief this was happening again.

“S-see you,” Yuuri dared saying before he walked _fast_ our of the bedroom and to the front door.

As Victor heard his door clicking, he jumped out of the bed. How was everything going so wrong? He rushed to the kitchen and grabbed the used wine glass from the earlier that night quickly smashing it against the door Yuuri had just walked out of.

Yuuri Katsuki would make him break all his house objects someday. Victor was sure of it.

His head thumped. He walked to the sink and threw some water on his face.

He wondered how he could misinterpret everything twice. Chris would probably laugh at him for being so irrational about a 23-year-old.

He looked at the door and thought about running after Yuuri. Would anything change Yuuri’s mind? Victor felt so _desperate_.

Why wouldn’t Yuuri just _talk_ to him?

He looked around his house frantically searching for an answer to this situation. He couldn’t take this cycle of daily fucking and _no_ talking anymore.

He went back to the bedroom and lay down. He starred furiously at the ceiling as if his chandelier was obliged to give him an answer to his life problems. This was too much.

Since it didn’t seen like his house inanimate objects would give him any solutions, he decided to try and go back to sleep. He would think about it tomorrow.

Victor closed his eyes and tried to steady his breath.

His head hurt, but he knew he had to empty his thoughts if he was going to have any sleep.

 

**The Morning After**

Victor woke up confused.

He dreamt of Yuuri.

It was a simple dream. They were having dinner together, talking and laughing. Like they used to.

It felt so real though. It took Victor a couple of minutes before he realized, no, it wasn’t real. He could still hear Yuuri’s laughter echoing in his bead.

His head was playing tricks on him. He lay there and thought back to the dream. What he wouldn’t give to make it a reality…

He decided to stay home and skip work. He owned the office anyway. To hell with work. To hell with his life and any responsibilities.

He needed to _think_.

For the past four months Victor hadn’t done much besides drown in work and avoid reflecting about his life. He owed it to himself to take a day off.

He knew he had a past of ignoring his emotional needs. Work took so much out of him. He had always been good and dedicated to what he did, pushing other things for later.

But now he felt older. For how long more would he act life a frantic workaholic with few personal connections?

Victor turned around and looked to the side. It was empty.

Victor touched the pillow Yuuri used to lay on. His chest fell heavy. Everything felt _wrong_.

He felt like he was in a daze. His reality felt surreal.

He walked to the kitchen and turned his coffee maker on. Maybe the drink would wake up his mind. While he waited for the drink to brew, he moved to the door to clean the glass he had broken the previous night.

 _Ugh_. He did such stupid shit sometimes.

Once the coffee was ready, he began sipping the warm drink as he moved to the window to stare at the people down on the street. He wondered what had happened to his life. He used to feel in control, at the top of the world. Now he only felt powerless.

He wondered if someone ever found the ring he threw out of that same window months ago. Sometimes he pondered if he had acted immature.

Although Victor felt old, he also felt so unknowledgeable about people and how they worked. Often he didn’t understand himself, and even more often he didn’t understand others.

He wanted Yuuri more than anything, but he didn’t understand the younger man’s actions. Deep down inside Victor felt like there was something special between them.

But after the previous harsh break up, he couldn’t help but wonder if he fantasized the whole ordeal and the depth of their connection.

He held his chin on his hands as he watched a happy couple stroll down the street in front of his apartment. They looked so content, just holding hands and chatting. All Victor wanted was that simple happiness. All he wanted was Yuuri. But could he do anything if Yuuri didn’t want him back.

Chris told him to fight. _When you love someone you fight for them_!

But Victor didn’t want to be selfish. He didn’t want to hold Yuuri down just because of his self-centered desires. He wanted it to be mutual.

He moved to the couch and decided to watch a movie. _Les Miserables_ was on and he thought that was a _perfect_ choice. He was miserable too.

As the movie played on the screen, Victor cried his heart out. It felt good, like his soul was being cleansed. He forgot about his own heartbreak for those three hours and focused on connecting to the emotions of the characters on the screen.

As the credits rolled on the screen, the architect felt calmer.

Somehow he knew things would be all right. With or without Yuuri, Victor would one day find happiness. He needed to believe it. His life had to be a sad movie with a happy ending.

He brooded at the couch for a few minutes until he remembered he should probably check up on his assistants at the office. He moved to grab his phone from the bedroom. He felt a _little_ guilty about skipping work, so he wanted to make sure no one had left any messages.

He wiped his nose with some tissues as he unlooked at the screen. His eyes widened as he saw Yuuri’s name on displayed.

Yuuri <3: _Hey. I know I said we shouldn’t meet again, but if you’re free tonight… lmk..._

Victor wanted to slam his head against the wall. Yuuri, _what_ ’s going on?

He was so confused.

He typed a quick message but deleted it as soon as it was written. _God_. He hated this. This boy had to joking, right? This was plain stupid. He decided to call instead.

The phone rang a couple of times before Yuuri picked up.

“H-hey, why are you calling me? I’m k-kinda busy right now. I’m in class, I had to step out…” Yuuri said and it made Victor want to pull his thinning hair out. He had just goddamn texted him! That’s why he hated texting…

“Come over tonight,” Victor said quickly. His heart jumping like it was going to come out of his chest.

“Oh, okay, I-“ Yuuri started.

“NOT drunk,” Victor added quickly. He heard Yuuri gulp through the phone call. “Don’t drink please... I want to actually talk.”

Victor was surprised at himself for being this honest. But he honestly couldn’t take it anymore. There was so much he needed to get off his chest. One more one-night stand with the boy of his dreams might actually kill him. His heart couldn’t take it. He needed to break the _fucking_ cycle and get his feelings out once and for all.

There was so much he didn’t say during their break up conversation. He had been so… _frozen_.

Even if Yuuri rejected him now, Victor needed to say _I love you._ Only after that he could move on. With or without Yuuri.

The one _I love you_ he had ever wanted to say in his life was still stuck in his throat.

“T-talk?!” Yuuri sounded surprised. “About what?”

Victor had to pinch his nose. Goddamn, he was starting to get irritated at this kid. About _what_. Really?

“About us. Yuuri. _Please_ ,” Victor pleaded. It was now or never.

Yuuri was silent for a few moments. Victor wanted to rip his skin out as he waited for Yuuri to finish his internal debate.

“Oh. Okay… I could come by after my meeting with Celetino. Around 5 p.m. If th-that’s good for you…” the student added with a soft voice. Oh, Jesus, Victor loved that voice _so_ much. Yuuri was so irritating sometimes… But so perfect _most_ of the time.

“Sounds great. I will be waiting for you, Yuuri,” Victor added firmly before saying his good-bye. His pulse thumped under his skin.

Yuuri was coming. To talk.

He was suddenly nervous. His palms were sweaty as he put his phone down on the nearby kitchen table.

He was so _nervous_.

But he couldn’t help but feel a smile spreading across his lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor babies, so bad at communicating lol.
> 
> Hope y'all can understand Victor's side a bit better now. I actually felt really bad for him while writing this. It was hard to come up with the misunderstanding that led to their break up, but this felt like it made sense. I hope y'all agree.
> 
> Victor is an airhead who didn't think he needed relationship talks, and Yuuri and his anxiety accidentally listened to only part of a convo and thought Victor had been playing with his feelings all along. Sigh.
> 
> Oh! Yeah, and I made Victor 30 cuz I thought I'd be weird for him to be that successful at 27, idk. And Phichit is a fan of Chris' cuz he's a graphic design major. That boy is into the arts. I could see him creating some snazzy shit.
> 
> See you next level!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was the first time Yuuri had ever heard Victor say the word "love." But it felt so wrong for it to be said in that situation. The student had craved it for so long, but now that he heard it, it just made him want to cry more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't murder me.
> 
> Goddamn. This was HARD to write. Like seriously. I'm sorry I left you guys hanging for so long, but I just couldn't make this work for some reason. I wanted it to feel natural and I kept screwing up. I rewrote this like a million times. These dudes, idk. They just have so many FEELS. It was hard to express them. And then I got addicted to using ellipses and I had to go back and cut some of them out. This fic is ruining me!
> 
> This chapter just became massive dudes. Like I don't know what happened! I tried to make it in 7k words, but their feelings just felt so rushed. I'm so sorry... Love is hard ok, guys! 
> 
> So I HAD to split it. 
> 
> On a good note, I already have it all finished. So I'll be posting the second part tonight or tomorrow. I just gotta edit but I'm sorta drunk now. 
> 
> Warnings: I'm under the influence, blah blah blah, you guys know the drill (for the curious, I finished this while drinking a delicious Malbec from Argentina). 
> 
> Enjoy!

“YOU DID WHAT?!” Phichit yelled from the other side of the kitchen. Yuuri thought the mug of coffee in his friend’s hand was going to shatter.

Ok, “phase 1” of operation “getting over Victor  _again”_ was completed. He told Phichit about his few, _many_ , late night escapades. Although right now he was beginning to get worried about the outcome of his decision.

At least he kept his promise to himself.

“I know, Phichit… It was stupid… I wasn’t really thinking straight and…” Yuuri tried to justify, instinctively taking a step back. He wondered if he would drop his own coffee mug because of his trembling hands.

“Stupid?!  _Stupid_? That’s what you’re calling  _this_?” Phichit’s face contorted with a mixture of anger and disappointment. His free fist slammed on the kitchen table, making Yuuri flinch a bit.

Shit. Maybe he underestimated Phichit’s resentment for Victor.

Phichit looked down and sighed, steading his breath. Maybe, _hopefully_ , he was getting afraid of his own voice. Like Yuuri was…

He put his coffee down on the table and walked closer to his friend. Yuuri hesitated a bit, wondering if he should run. But then he decided to stay in place. He definitely deserved a scolding.

“Yuuri. Listen to me,” he said placing his hands on Yuuri’s shoulders. His anger was now  _majorly_  replaced by worry. “This man ripped your heart in pieces. He  _literally_  said he didn’t even like you after six months of dating.  _Six_. That’s half and year! And now you’re  _sleeping_  with him?”

Phichit’s voice was an octave higher than usual. He looked so appalled by the situation; it made Yuuri’s heart feel even more thigh.

“I-I know… I-” Yuuri tried to begin explaining. It was  _hard_. Victor was… _Victor_.

“You were head over heels for this man and he threw you away!” his friend was obviously having none of it. “Yuuri, he said ‘OKAY’ when you said you guys should probably break up.”

“Phichit, I-”

“He didn’t even contact you after that, Yuuri. He literally did  _nothing_. The entire time! Remember how you cried on this couch, on _my_ shoulder, because he didn’t even text after that shit went d-”

“I KNOW Phichit!” Yuuri finally said with a harsher voice, looking up. Frustrated tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

Phichit’s orbs widened in surprise. Yuuri barely ever raised his tone like that. Phichit bit his lips to let Yuuri talk, controlling his own emotions.

“I know how much I suffered okay…” Yuuri let out of with a sigh. He sniffled, but held back his tears. “Better than anyone.”

This whole situation was awful. He hated to be in this position, of being the one running after his ex like a lovesick teenager. But he hated even more disappointing his best friend.

An awkward silence fell between the friends as both looked down at their feet.

“Sorry, Yuuri… I got carried away,” Phichit finally said, letting go of Yuuri’s shoulders. “I just don’t want to see you getting hurt like that again….” the friend added, sneaking up a glance at Yuuri.

“I know. I appreciate it. Really,” Yuuri affirmed with a quivering smile. He just… needed Phichit to be a bit _calmer_ about this situation.

But at the end of the day, he was thankful for having such a good friend.

His heart was already feeling lighter from being able vent out his own stress.

Yuuri hugged Phichit closely, reaffirming his words.

“This is why I am telling you this, Phichit. I  _need_  help,” he said as he let his friend go. “When it comes to Victor, I don’t know… Something weird happens and I lose all control. It’s a self-destructive cycle or something.”

“Yeah, I know…” Phichit said gravely. He was there when the first fiasco went down after all. “And you know, I’m always here for you, Yuuri” he added with a smile.

“Thanks, Phichit,” Yuuri said truthfully. Telling his friend was a good idea, he was sure of it. “I know you might be mad right now, and I give you all the right to be. But what I need is your support. I can’t go through this without you.”

“Ok. Damn. I’m definitely mad. But I’ll hold down my horses until we can deal with this shit,” Phichit said, looking convinced with his arms crossed. “We’ll figure this out together, like we always do.

“Thanks…” Yuuri said, already wondering what his friend had in mind.

Phichit adjusted his stance and put his hands back on Yuuri’s shoulder. He looked into his friend’s eyes with a determined gaze.

Oh. Well. Here it came. Phichit plans.

“Yuuri listen. This is important. So that I can help you with this issue, I’ll need to know  _all_  the details,” Phichit said with a serious tone. “Like, how the hell did you get his number again, because I’m pretty sure I made you delete it  _and_  block it the first time around. How many times have you fucked, and finally, some juice details because my life is so boring compared to yours,” Phichit ended with a smirk.

“This end funny, Phichit!” Yuuri reprimanded while a blush began to spread across his cheeks. What the hell.

“Sorry, heh. I’m just kidding.”

Yeah.  _Right_.

\----------------------

Phase 2 and 3 of “getting over Victor  _again”_  were proving to be slightly more challenging than phase 1.

As Yuuri predicted, Phichit had insisted he deleted and blocked Victor’s number yet again.

And he was right, that was the right move. For _sure_. Phichit knew what was best for Yuuri, and he was going to “push” Yuuri in the right recovery path.

But then Yuuri did something he couldn’t quite explain. He… lied. And phase 2 was going down the drain right in front of his eyes.

Yuuri told Phichit he had already deleted the number that morning as soon as he woke up, determined to never speaking to Victor again. And of course Phichit believed him. Yuuri never lied. He was usually _completely_ transparent, and his friend could read him like no one.

But the Gods weren’t on Yuuri’s side, and for some unbelievable reason, Phichit believed him this time.

So yeah. Victor’s number was still stored in his phone. Which just _couldn’t_ be safe.

Now he had to deal with the problem himself. It would have been so much easier if Phichit had just deleted the number for Yuuri like last time.  _Ugh_. Why the heck did he lie anyway? So  _stupid_.

Yuuri sat at his 11 o’clock lesson, but the professor’s voice didn’t register in his brain. He knew he should be participating and actually learning, but his eyes wouldn’t leave the small screen on his lap under the table.

“Victor (DO NOT CALL OR TEXT)” plastered on the screen.

The student’s thumb hovered over delete.

He pushed his glasses up his nose once more. He was definitely staring at the phone for too long.

He knew he had to do it, but his finger just wouldn’t move. Some weird nostalgia chain stopping his fingers.

Yuuri’s moments with Victor passed though his mind like lightening. All the touches, all the laughter. He thought back to how Victor would cuddle him, how they used to watch movies together. Victor’s smile and his words. He remembered the little moments of happiness.

And his thumb just wouldn’t move.

There was so much he wanted to say, needed to say. He wanted to yell at Victor and ask if all those memories were lies. Yuuri thought they had something…  _special_.

Maybe Yuuri just hallucinated it all in the end.

The “I don’t like Yuuri at all” line rang back in his mind.

He wondered how many people did Victor say sweet words to. He wondered if he fucked others passionately while telling them they are beautiful and perfect, like he used to do to Yuuri.

The student clenched his phone. Damn, soon he would start crying in the middle of class. What a loser.

He opened the message’s app and typed Victor’s name.

Maybe if he sent one angry text message, finally expressing his feelings, and  _then_  deleted the phone number, it would make the student feel better. Maybe he needed _actual_  closure.

He could tell Victor how much of an awful person he was: how he played with others felling without thinking about anyone but himself and how he would probably die alone.

Yuuri’s rage kept boiling up as he grasped his phone harder.

He imagined Victor’s face as he read the angry text. Would he be pissed off? Would he even care at all? Did Victor even have a heart?

Before Yuuri could decide on how to start typing his hateful goodbye speech, his fingers decided to move on their own.

_Hey. I know I said we shouldn’t meet again, but if you’re free tonight… lmk..._

Sent.

Yuuri stared at his phone in disbelief. What the actual fuck was he _doing_.

Did he actual just text Victor for… a booty call?

His head definitely wasn’t working properly. It was supposed to be an _angry_ text! Maybe men really thought with their dicks instead of their heads.

He dropped his face to the tabled and suppressed a loud and frustrated groan that was trying to scape his lips, not caring how his glasses painfully pressed against his skin. Maybe people would just think he was exhausted and was taking a lecture nap.

He hated himself. He wanted the floor to eat him whole.

How many times would Yuuri drop to his lowest for fucking heartless Victor? Yuuri knew he deserved better.

At least Victor wouldn’t answer until late at night. Giving him enough time to deal with the problem.

Now Yuuri had to tell Phihit the truth.  _Dammit_. He would have to give his phone to his friend during lunch and let the boy deal with this drama. Yuuri definitely couldn’t trust himself.

Phichit would be mad at Yuuri.  _Again_.

Yuuri lifted his chin and tried to take his mind of the text drama. Apparently he only did more harm than good anyway. It would be way more productive to just watch the lecture.

The professor ahead of him seemed enthusiastic about the topic. Yuuri absently-mindedly wondered if he should start taking notes. This could come to bite him in the ass later on…

A phone starting ringing in the classroom before he could decide if he should write or just listen

What a disrespectful _idiot_. They were grad students, they should know better by now. Yuuri hated when students were dumb enough to leave their phone off silent.

He felt bitter and he didn’t care if he had to transfers his irritation to a dumb college kid.

Such a simple thing after all, to turn off your phone.

The sound kept ringing as people checked their phones trying to gage if they were the source of the problem. The professor just stood there with her arms crossed, waiting for the troublemaker to deal with the sound.

“Yuuri, I think it’s you…” the student next to him whispered quietly with his hand to Yuuri’s ears, trying to be discreet.

Yuuri nearly jumped off his chair. Fuck.  _Fuck_.

He looked at the phone on his lap. Victor’s name appeared brightly on the screen.

Yuuri screeched inside.  _Why_.

His palms were suddenly sweaty. Yuuri entered panic mode. He didn’t know what to do. The entire class stared at him.

“Ugh… Sorry, I-I need to pick this up,” Yuuri said as he ran outside, desperate to be away from the others’ gaze.

Finally on the quiet hallway, Yuuri looked at his phone again, trying to make sure he wasn’t imagining things.

His ex’s name was still on the screen.

Before his mind could process anything, his thumb pressed “answer” and his hands brought the small object to his ears.

Shit. Fuck. Fuck.

 _Why_  did he do that?

“H-hey, why are you calling me? I’m k-kinda busy right now. I’m in class, I had to step out…” Yuuri said the first thing that came to his head.

His mind was still spinning. Victor was  _calling_  him.

Oh. Yeah. Yuuri just texted him.  _Again_.

Yuuri wanted to disappear or explode. Or both. Victor was probably calling him about a booty call. Dammit. Why did Yuuri even answer? Phichit would have to tie him up to the bed because Yuuri really couldn’t be trusted with his own actions at all. For Christ’s sake. He needed to be locked up until this madness left his body.

“Come over tonight,” Victor said on the other line.

So Yuuri was right. Booty call it was. For some unknown reason, probably the devil taking over his body, his cock twitched in his pants.

“Oh, okay, I-” Yuuri answered. He wanted to rip his hair out.  _Why_. Why were those words falling from his mouth?

“NOT drunk,” Victor interrupted Yuuri’s unintelligible response. Yuuri gulped. Victor’s tone was so intense.

And what was the older man going on about anyway? He wanted to have  _sober_  ex sex now? Was he part of a new cult or something? Sobriety did not mix well with one-night stands, or with Victor Nikiforov in general.

“Don’t drink please... I want to actually talk,” Victor added firmly.

Yuuri’s mouth hung open.

“T-talk?!” Yuuri blurted about. “About what?” Victor wasn’t a talker. They fucked, Yuuri got his heart broken, and then they repeated the goddamn cycle. Talking wasn’t really involved in the equation.

Yuuri wondered if Victor wanted to have some weird dirty talk session. _Or_ _,_  maybe he wanted Yuuri to stop texting him and calling him for booty calls.

 _Oh_.

That was probably it. Victor probably found another fuck buddy to vent out his sexual frustrations with and wanted Yuuri to stop bothering him.

Yuuri’s heart tightened a bit at the thought. The thought of Victor’s lips on someone else’s body made his stomach drop.

“About us. Yuuri.  _Please_ ,” he heard his former lover say on the other line. For some reason he sounded a bit desperate.

The student kept repeating the words in his mind. About  _us_. He couldn’t put together the puzzle. Something about silver-haired man’s voice was making his head spin.

He thought about Phichit and how mad he would be if Yuuri said “yes.”

But for some reason his mind screamed to do it.

He thought about his frustrations and all the things left unsaid; all the things he wanted to tell Victor in that angry text. Maybe he should just do it in person.

Maybe he owed that to himself.

Maybe Victor would think twice before playing with someone else’s emotions next time.

“Oh. Okay… I could come by after my meeting with Celetino. Around 5 p.m. If th-that’s good for you…” the student finally said.

“Sounds great. I will be waiting for you, Yuuri.”

As the student locked him phone, he wondered if he had made the right decision.

\---------------------------

At 5: 26 p.m. Yuuri stepped out of Celestino’s office. He walked down the halls of the psychology building feeling a mix of accomplishment and apprehension.

Celestino praised him for the edits on his manuscript, which made Yuuri feel over the moon. He wondered how he had been able to do any good contributions to his academic life with the little sleep he was getting the last few nights…

But he wasn’t complaining. He was doing well and his advisor was happy. Now Yuuri just had to deal with the source of his apprehension and lack of sleep.

 _Victor_.

Yuuri wasn’t sure how he had been able to edit 20 pages while having his ex having on his mind or _in_ him, but he didn’t want to push his luck any longer. He needed to deal with the source of the issue before it began to actually hurt his academic life. And his social life.

After doing the stupid phone thing during his 11 o’clock, Yuuri had to run away from Phichit during lunchtime, giving his best friend a lame excuse about having to proofread Leo’s paper. If Phichit saw him, he would know about Yuuri’s shenanigans right away.

Thank _God_ for Leo.

The grad student knew Phichit would be _pissed,_ disapproving of Yuuri’s actions. But as the day progressed, Yuuri grew more and more convinced that this was actually a sane idea. Closure, _closure_ , that’s what Yuuri needed. Then he would _stop_ acting like a lunatic. Probably.

Phichit would see the benefit of his strategy in the long run. If he yelled enough at Victor, maybe he would have to cry less on Phichit’s shoulder. 

He left the building and stood in the middle of campus, staring at his phone. He quickly typed a short message. _Just got done with Celestino. Omw now._ Perfect. Simple.

He headed to Victor’s apartment feeling confident and ready to end this drama.

\-------------------------

Yuuri stood in front of the wood door, but his hands wouldn’t move.

His confidence completely dissipated as soon as he saw the “Nikiforov” name on the door. Why was he _such_ a coward?

Yuuri needed to stop being so… _Yuuri_.

He kept telling himself he _had_ to make a decision. He could either knock and get this over with, or walk away and never talk to Victor again.

Both would probably lead to the same conclusion anyway. It was just about how he wanted to end it.

He lifted his fist, and then put it back again. Maybe he shouldn’t see Victor in the end. It has been a rushed decision after all.

But before he could move, the door in front of him opened with a low _crack_.

“Yuuri! I thought I heard footsteps and I came to check and-” the man in front of the student said with a wide smile. But the happy expression suddenly disappeared as he noticed the anxious expression on the younger man’s face.  

“Come in,” he tried softly. “I-I made tea,” the smile returned to his face, but way more contained than before.

Yuuri hesitantly walked in, averting Victor’s gaze at all cost. It made funny things to heart.  

The black-haired man had a mission. If Victor were to act nice all of the sudden, it would make it much harder for Yuuri to yell at him.

Victor motioned for Yuuri to sit on the couch and he complied. The older man sat on one of his fluffy armchairs and began to pour the tea. The scene looked similar to the night they broke up, only this time Victor looked so comfy in his blue sweatpants and white “Nikiforov & Co.” shirt. Had he even been to work that day? He usually dressed so professionally and put together.

“Yuuri,” Victor said, pulling the student out of his thoughts. “Thank you for coming, I really needed to talk to you. To be honest, I really didn’t know if you would come.” He said and smiled a bit.

Oh well, yeah. Neither did Yuuri.

“Wait, Victor,” Yuuri said in a sudden surge of courage. He had to act and pour his feelings out before Victor said anything. It was now or never.

The older man looked at him curiously.

“I have something I want to say first,” he continued.

Victor seemed to hesitate a bit, but then he simply took a sip of his tea and placed the cup back on the coffee table.

“Go ahead.”

Yuuri stared at his own untouched drink. Where to start?

“Uhm… I know I’ve been acting weird. Like, uhm… Calling you and stuff, and then telling you I don’t want to see you again, and then… texting you again, you know,” he blushed a little. This was way harder then he thought.

Yuuri gulped. He needed to keep going.

“Yes?” Victor encouraged him.

“And… I know it’s probably been annoying to you and-”

“Yuuri, I-” Victor tried to interrupt him.

“No! Wait. Let me finish,” Yuuri pleaded. This was hard already. With Victor interrupting it would be impossible.

“Ok,” he sounded so understanding it pissed Yuuri off a bit. Victor was supposed to be the bad guy.

“Uhm… I just,” Yuuri momentarily forgot what he wanted to say. His mind was in frenzy. He wanted Victor to be mean and tell him to piss off, just so that he could be mean back.

But Victor just looked so calm while staring at him. It was the same as the night they broke up… Emotionless Victor.

Yuuri’s hand began to sweat. He just never knew what his goddamn ex was thinking.

“You fucking _broke_ my heart, ok?!” Yuuri exploded all of the sudden, surprised by the volume of his own voice. Angry tears began rolling down his cheeks, and he just couldn’t stop now.

Beneath Victor’s icy stare, everything began to pour out. Yuuri’s eyes burned.

“I know we never talked about anything. You probably didn’t even see us as a couple. And I know you probably don’t care at all, but I was _so_ in love with you.” He was so frustrated, so angry.

“And maybe in your head it didn’t mean anything, but for me it did, ok…”

Yuuri felt himself talk between gasps, everything he wanted to say for months just coming out so fast he barely registered it.

“And then, and _then_ , you just threw me away like _trash_. You said you didn’t even _like_ me. I fucking loved you. And… and…” his words was starting to betray him, but he needed to finish this somehow.

“And then when I said maybe we should break up, you said _okay_? You didn’t text, you didn’t talk to me. You just pretended I never even existed.”

He probably looked like shit now, but well he felt like shit too.

“I get it, you didn’t feel the same way I did, but you could’ve been _nice_ about it, you know? I know you never cared about me the way I did, but… but… I didn’t ask to get attached either!”

“I’m just so pissed I fell for someone who has never known what love is.”

His tears finally stopped falling. He tried to regain his breath. He stared at the coffee table. It was over. He did it.

Yuuri felt relieved somehow. He inhaled deeply. This would probably do. He could walk away now.

He finally moved his gaze from his probably cold teacup and looked up at Victor. He wondered if Victor was mad at him for being so obnoxious and emotional.

The older man had his elbows on his knees and head down, hands clasped together supporting his forehead. Yuuri thought that he may have had overdone it. But… He felt he needed to be honest. Maybe he yelled too much… Did Victor have a headache now? He was silent, unmoving, and Yuuri began to feel a bit awkward.

“I… Uhm…” Yuuri just needed to break the awkward moment. “The booty calls… I just… couldn’t help it, but it’s not healthy for me…” Yuuri wondered what was he explaining himself for. He had already said the important part.

“I’m sure you already have other people to sleep with and stuff… Uhm…”

This was so painfully _awkward_.

“So I won’t bother you anymore. No need for you to ask me to stop.”

Well at least this way he was saving himself of _some_ embarrassment.

But Victor didn’t react much at his final words. Victor’s head was still low. The student couldn’t see the older man’s face.

Yuuri wondered if he should leave.

But then the silver-haired man moved his head up to prop his chin on his palms. His eyes looked intense and his mouth was just a thin line.

“What?” Victor said. His voice sounded a bit angry… Yeah, Yuuri had just said he was an insensitive asshole, but it shouldn’t be very surprising.

“What…?” Yuuri asked back confused.

“Can you repeat everything you just said?” he asked, staring intently at Yuuri. It made the younger man squirm in his seat. He didn’t understand what was happening. The student thought the older man would feel relieved that Yuuri would stop bothering him.

“Victor? Are you okay?”

Maybe he was having a stroke? Yuuri wondered if he had really missed everything Yuuri said. He wasn’t _that_ old…

“No, I’m not fucking _ok,_ ” Victor threw his head back, covering it with his hands and letting out a loud frustrated grunt.

Yuuri was _so_ confused. Victor looked like he was having a whole internal battle. Yuuri just didn’t know _why_. He expected Victor to maybe yell back at him and tell him he’s an overly emotional teenager who doesn’t know shit about adult relationships. _This_ was just _weird_.

Slouching a bit in his armchair, Victor let out a sigh. He looked exhausted all of the sudden.

“Yuuri…” he said quietly.

“Yes?” the student replied. Victor was actually making him worried.

“When we were _together_ , how many times a week did you sleep over?” Victor asked, his voice was low, but he didn’t sound particularly angry.

“Uhm… I guess like five times? More or less?” Yuuri replied with a slight blush. He probably stayed over at Victor’s way too often back in the day.

“How many articles of clothing did you have here, at _my_ apartment?” Victor continued.

“I don’t know, Victor… A bunch I g-guess?” What was up with the questionnaire?

“Who is my best friend, what’s my little brother’s name, and what’s my best assistant’s name?”

“Uhm… Chris of course, Yuri is your brother, and you like Mila the best in the office…” These were all so obvious. Was Victor actually going crazy?

“Your best friend is Phichit. But Leo usually gets you out of trouble because Phichit is overprotective. You have an older sister called Mari, and, although your family is originally from Hasetsu, you were born in the U.S. You love psych, but you get stressed out about school very often. The professor you admire the most is Celestino, and when he offered to be your thesis advisor you freaked out,” he ranted about Yuuri’s life like the student himself knew nothing about it.

“You like to eat traditional Japanese katsudon on special occasions and to watch competitive figure skating. Your room is usually clean, but you hate doing the dishes. When you shower you start by washing your hair instead of your body, which is weird. You get really cold in the winter, so you prefer the fall. You-”

“Victor! Stop! What are you even _doing_? I know my goddamn life,” Yuuri said. He didn’t understand what was the point in that stupid conversation.

“Yeah, and so do _I_ ,” Victor said like that was something extremely important. But, of course Victor knew things. They spent so much time together. It was only natural that he knew about Yuuri.

 _Oh_.

“How dare you say I didn’t think of us as a couple?”

 _Oh_. No. Shit. Yuuri was nervous again all of the sudden.

Victor stood up. He looked _pissed_. Finally. But not for the reason Yuuri expected.

Yuuri’s heart beat faster.

“How dare you say that? When I know _everything_ about you. We spent every day together, _I_ gave you the key to my apartment, I introduced you to all the important people in my life, and _I_ didn’t see us a couple?”

For some reason Yuuri felt the tables turning on him. Victor looked at him with angry eyes as the student grew smaller in the large couch. His hands shook. Victor was serious about theif relationship? But… Yuuri always thought that he was the one in love, and tjat Victor broke his hear and-

“I was _so_ crazy about you! I did everything for you! And you say I never _cared_?” the older man voice was venomous. He spit out words as if they were rotten.

Yuuri didn’t know what to say… He didn’t know what to feel, really. He just stayed there on the couch as Victor’s words kept stabbing him. Had he been so blind?

The older man was getting closer, walking in Yuuri’s direction. The student just shrunk in himself even more, whimpering and scared. His brain just couldn’t process any of this.

“Yuuri, I don’t know if you remember, but _you_ broke up with me. Not the other way around. And I was going to fucking propose to you that night…” Victor said and his voice broke.

Yuuri’s entire world spun. _What_. Did he just hear that right? Victor was going top propose. That just couldn’t be right.

But then he looked up and he realized: Victor didn’t actually look angry at all. He looked _heartbroken._

Oh, _No_.

Suddenly it hit Yuuri, Victor had loved him just as much as the student had loved Victor.

The older man finally fell to his knees next to the couch. The usually confident man looked so broken, so frail. Silver strands fell messily on his face as tears rolled down cheeks. Yuuri had never seen him cry.

The student’s first instinct was to clean Victor’s face and caress his hair. But his hand stopped mid-air.

Victor looks so _sad_.

“I-I… I thought you had figured out I was going to propose and dumped me because you didn’t want me,” Victor spoke more to the couch pillow he was hugging than to Yuuri.

The younger man’s heart dropped.

“But you said…” Yuuri heard himself saying softly. “You said… you didn’t like me.”

“When did I ever say that, Yuuri?” Victor arched a brow, his voice still sounding breathy and a bit hurt.

“When…” Yuuri blushed. He knew it had been wrong to eavesdrop, but he didn’t want to interrupt Victor on the phone. He sounded so happy that night speaking to Chris.

There was no going back now. He would have to say it.

“The night we broke up. I went to pick you up at the office, and you were talking to Chris on the phone,” He gulped before continuing. “You said ‘I don’t like Yuuri at all, Chris. You should know that you’re my best friend’,” the student said, admitting his actions.

He winced at the memory. After so long, it still felt horrible to think about that night.

There was silence for a couple of seconds.

And then Victor began laughing next to him. Yuuri turned to him wide-eyed. He didn’t understand how any of that was that funny at all.

“I’m glad you stick around to finish listening to private conversations, Yuuri,” his voice was amused, but his eyes were full of sadness.

“Chris called me to ask if I had already proposed. He was pretty excited too,” Victor began explaining as if it was a hilarious joke. “And then he said that I really liked you. So I naturally said, ‘of course not.’ I didn’t like you a lot. I was just completely in love with you,” Victor concluded his story with a smile, seemingly stuck in a happy memory for a moment.  

It made Yuuri’s entire world fall apart.

It was the first time Yuuri had ever heard Victor say the word “love.” But it felt so wrong for it to be said in that situation. The student had craved it for so long, but now that he heard it, it just made him want to cry more. They had screwed up up badly.

Victor was still on the floor and Yuuri on the couch. It was a too much to take in.

Yuuri wondered what to do with all that information. Now what?

Should they forgive each other and say goodbye? There was so much history…

“I _still_ love you,” Victor finally said. “And part of me hopes you still love me too.”

Yuuri’s heart stopped.

He spent so long trying to get over Victor. He spent so long being in love with the man and never feeling loved back.

But now, it felt too late somehow. Yuuri’s head hurt, his months of crying over Victor and trying to get over him flashing through his mind. What was all the suffering for? If Victor loved him, why did he have to go through that much?

It made sense, but it didn’t at the same time, and Yuuri felt like he couldn’t breath. He placed his face on his hands. His mind was spinning.

“I thought you… were playing me… all this time… I,” the student whispered almost inaudibly. But Victor caught it.

“Yuuri, _no_! Listen, _please_ , I,” Victor started, getting up to sit next to Yuuri. He grabbed Yuuri’s shoulder firmly. He sounded so desperate. “We can… we can do something about this, we can…”

Yuuri felt his body and soul ripping in half. He couldn’t listen to it anymore.

“I… I need to think about this,” the student said with a trembling voice. “This is a lot to take in.” He pushed Victor away and walked to the door.

“Yuuri, I-I…” Victor’s words wouldn’t come out of his mouth. He got up, but he didn’t follow Yuuri. For the first time he was thankful for it.

The older man sighed and finally said, “I understand, Yuuri.”

Victor sat on the couch, finally defeated. He looked shattered.

“My feelings haven’t changed every since you left,” he heard Victor say as he stared at the knob. He could feel tears coming back to his eyes.

Quickly, Yuuri open the door and left without looking back or answering Victor.

His heart felt heavy.

\-------------------------

“Yuuri, you need to leave the couch at some point,” Phichit stated, his voice slightly impatient. He stood next to the door, looking ready to go out.

“No… Don’t wanna,” said the other roommate, snugging himself even more in the pillows.

It was a Friday and he hadn’t have class. It was completely ok to wallow in self-pity all day long. He hadn’t moved from his position since the morning. But that’s just what he needed right now.

He knew Phichit was starting to worry, but he just didn’t have the energy to do anything else, _or_ to explain to his friend why he was being so _down_.

“If you won’t come out drinking with me, will you tell me what happened at least? I can’t leave you alone at home without gaging the gravity of the situation, Yuuri,” Phichit insisted.

He also felt bad. Phichit was probably worried. A night out sounded like the worse thing ever though.

“I can’t Phichit, not now,” he replied. His world had turned upside down and he just wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.

“I swear I’ll tell you about it tomorrow. Please go and have fun for me,” Yuuri didn’t want his friend to be too concerned. Yuuri was sure he could survive a couple hours without Phichit handing him Fruit Loop bowls for “nutrition.” And he also just needed to be alone for a while.

“Fine! But I know this has something to do with goddamn Victor and if I find out that jerk did something to you again, Yuuri, I swear, I’ll-”

“Phichit, stop, please,” Yuuri pleaded, he just couldn’t listen to those words. “It’s not his fault this time, ok?”

Phichit seemed a bit taken aback. But he didn’t press his friend anymore.

“Ok…” Phichit said as he reluctantly left the apartment.

Yuuri would tell him what happened eventually, but he needed to process it first. He didn’t even understand what had happened himself.

The student turned back his attention to the TV. He just watched whatever the channels were playing, never really concentrating on anything.

He didn’t even realize when he fell asleep on the couch.

\-------------------------

“Oh. My. _God_!” Yuuri registered someone screeching as his heavy eyes blinked slowly. “Oh my God, so pretty!” the shrieking continued, and Yuuri forced himself to move from his comfortable position.

Yuuri couldn’t understand why Phichit was screaming so early in the morning.

Oh, wait. Maybe it wasn’t morning anymore.

The student sat up on the couch, wondering how was Phichit awake before him if he had gone out at night. How long did Yuuri sleep for anyway?

“Phichit… Ugh. What’s going on?”

He grabbed his glasses from the floor and placed them on his face, adjusting his eyes to the bright light that came from outside.

Phichit stood by the open front door talking to some delivery person.

As he closed the door and turned around, Phichit held a _huge_ flower bouquet.

“Yuuri, look, you got flowers!” he beamed at Yuuri.“The delivery man didn’t say who sent them but they look…”

 _Oh_. Yuuri _knew_ who sent them. His heart dropped and he froze in place. He just stared at Phichit and the flowers.

“Oh no,” Phichit seemed to catch the expression on his friend’s face. He knew too. “Yuuri, I didn’t think it could be… _No_.”

Yuuri was pretty sure his mouth was hanging open just like Phichit’s. His friend’s eyes were wide. He looked a bit panicky.

“Oh. Shit, Yuuri, sorry. I’ll… Uhm, I’ll just throw these away and-” he said nervously, looking around, not knowing what to do with the huge flowers on his hands.

“No!” Yuuri yelled suddenly. Phichit stared at him, not daring to move. “You _won’t_ throw them away. Give them to me.”

Phichit just quickly obeyed, looking at Yuuri curiously and finally sitting back on the couch next to his friend. Yuuri knew his friend was dying to know what happened, especially what made the grad student want the flowers so badly. But he just sat quietly waiting to see what Yuuri would do.

As soon as he had the flowers in his hands, Yuuri furiously attacked them, looking desperately for a card or something. _Anything_ to make him know for sure. He cursed the damn bouquet for being so big.

Finally, he his hands touched something that didn’t feel so plant-like. But it wasn’t a card. It was an envelope.

Yuuri threw the bouquet back to Phichit, who held the massive object obediently. The grad student stared at the envelope. It felt heavier than it should.

With unsteady fingers he opened the seal and hurriedly removed a bundle up of pages from inside.

Yuuri counted. There were five pages.

Unwrapping the sheets, he read the first line said.

“To my love.”

He knew that handwriting.

“Ughhhh,” Yuuri groaned as he crouched on himself. His hands gripped the sides of the letter, crumpling it a bit, as his forehead touched the paper. He didn’t know if he could read it. Why did Victor keep messing up with his heart so much?

What was that letter all about anyway? Was it a goodbye? Was it a love letter? He was so scared to know.

“Yuuri… Are you okay?” Phichit finally broke is silence, worry laced on his voice as he soothingly petted his best friend’s back.

“I… don’t know,” Yuuri admitted. “I think I need to read this. I think.”

“Ok, take you time.” his friend answered with a reassuring smile, and Yuuri was thankful he didn’t ask more questions. He placed the bouquet on the kitchen table and walked to his own room, leaving Yuuri alone with the letter.

The student took a deep breath, steadied the paper in front of him, and began reading the first paragraph. It started with, “I fell in love with your laughter first.”

Yuuri read the pages nonstop as his heart beat loudly.

Victor’s letter was a story. A story about their first meeting at Chris’ exhibit opening. Victor described everything in perfect detail. How Yuuri was dressed, how his voice sounded, how the older man was mesmerized at first sigh.

Everything was told through Victor’s eyes, and it was a reality Yuuri never knew existed. He talked about how he even purposely spilt champagne on Yuuri, making the student laugh.

He smiled and cried reading the letter. It was beautiful, but he cried because he lived a love story he never knew about. Too self-conscious about himself, Yuuri never even realized Victor’s feelings.

At the end of the letter, after the story of their first meeting was complete, Victor wrote,

_I don’t want to push my feelings on you Yuuri, but I need to get some things off my chest. We have not been in sink, and now I am certain that you don’t know how precious you are to me. I am going to write you a letter a day for the next week. You can choose to read them or throw them away._

_You are the love of my life, the only one I have ever had. I want to be with you, but I cannot let myself suffer forever. After this week is passed, I will let you go. I need to find my own happiness, with or without you. I hope you find yours too._

“Phichit!” Yuuri yelled though sobs, “I need you, _now_!”

“Oh lord,” Phichit came back to the living room in a hurry. He jumped on Yuuri, hugging him from behind. “I’ll be okay. I’m here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dudes, we're almost there. 
> 
> I'm sorry I just make Yuuri and Victor cry constantly. And I'm sorry my writing has been gradually deteriorating. Maybe this was supposed to be a one-shot in the end lol.
> 
> I'm probably overwriting this as hell, but if I don't go through their thought processes, their actions just feel forced and senseless.
> 
> Next chap is just fluff, smut, and happy times. Yay! End of suffering. 
> 
> Come visit me ([tumblr](https://lafriponne.tumblr.com)) to yell at me some more. I'm so sad this is ending! But it's been a fun ride.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But at that precise moment, holding the seventh letter close to his chest, Yuuri knew one thing for sure: he wanted Victor back more than anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dudes!
> 
> I'm back and so is my internet! Wohoo!
> 
> I didn't proof this chap very well, so excuse the extra dose of grammar mistakes. I might go over it again at some point, but right now I'm dead man.
> 
> FYI: this chap starts right after the last. They were supposed to be one after all... Lol
> 
> Sorry about the wait and enjoy the end!

Two Buck Chucks: that was Phichit’s solution for most, if not all, problems and dilemmas.

After telling his best friend about everything that had happened with Victor _and_ after crying his eyes out, Yuuri accepted Phichit’s suggested stress release activity.

The plans for the rest of that Saturday were to drink. _A lot_.

Yuuri felt too much. If having that heavy conversation with Victor hadn’t been hard enough on his weak heart, getting his letter was, well… too much.

He didn’t know what to feel. And _neither_ did Phichit. His best friend had hated Victor’s guts for so long. Now he felt weird. It was comforting that Yuuri wasn’t the only conflicted one though. It was actually _a bit_ funny seeing Phichit having his own internal struggles with his feelings towards Victor.

“I… don’t know _Yuu_ -ri,” his best friend said in between hiccups. “He was like… a bad guy, but now he’s not… How am _I_ supposed to feel? How am I supposed to protect you?”

Yuuri laughed.

“I don’t know either Phichit, I don’t know,” he said before taking another chug. Both their lips were stained purple.

“I kinda feel bad for the dude now, Yuuri…” Phichit added. “But I also think he is _dumb_. He should’ve known your insecurities earlier. Like, come _on_. You’re Yuuri.”

“Thanks, Phichit,” Yuuri said with sarcasm. He knew he had acted without thinking… And he probably shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions when he heard Victor on the phone. But Victor also guilty for being so dense and for never running after Yuuri.

“Just relax, Yuuri. I say relaaaax,” his best friend advised while stealing the bottle from Yuuri’s hold. “Read the letters. And _then_ see how you feel. That’s the plan right now.”

“I guess…” Yuuri said. “Isn’t it rude, though? Not to say something, I mean. Text him or something? Say I got the first one?”

“ _Stop_! You and your texting addiction. Just stop. Just give it _some_ time at least.”

“Ugh,” Yuuri threw his head back in frustration. He wanted to talk to Victor more than anything, his fingers twitching to grab his phone. But he also knew he wouldn’t have anything intelligent to say at that point. He needed to sort out his own feelings first.

“Fine. I’ll text him in a few days, I guess.”

\-------------------------

On Sunday Yuuri was hungover, but he still felt like a little boy on Christmas morning. He couldn’t wait for the new letter to arrive.

He tried to focus on his work, but his head kept turning in the door’s direction every five minutes.

Phichit wasn’t any better. He was trying to look calm in order make his friend more relaxed, but Yuuri could read right through him. He looked like an agitated 10-year old, cleaning the house obsessively just to find something to do and get distracted.

When they heard a knock on the door at 5:03 p.m. both jumped.

Yuuri answered the door this time, trying not to sound too eager in front of to the delivery person. The letter came by itself, no huge flowers or anything. Yuuri thanked Victor silently for refraining from crowding his tiny apartment with more extravagant bouquets.

Yuuri plopped down on the couch next to Phichit and stared at the envelope. He took a deep breath.

“Jesus, Yuuri, please open it. This is giving me anxiety,” his friend couldn’t contain himself anymore. Yuuri just threw him a dirty look.

Yuuri finally took the pages out of the white envelope and began to scan the beautiful handwriting with hungry eyes.

The second letter began with the same thee letter, “To my love.” It was just as touching as the first. Victor chose another beautiful moment they shared together to express his adoration for Yuuri. Each word and each letter was full of love.

Since he wasn’t taken by surprise this time, Yuuri was able to stay less emotional and actually enjoy Victor’s words. He laughed at the funny parts and felt moved whenever Victor expressed his feelings openly.

As he reached the end of the text, he passed the pages to a twitching and overly curious Phichit and then threw his head back on the couch.

He felt warm and happy, going through his own reminiscing journey as Phichit let out soft “wows” and “awwws” next to him.

Much of the following week revolved around the letters.

Yuuri would go back home after school to find an envelope neatly placed on his doorstep or on the kitchen table if Phichit had come home earlier.

It was their new daily routine. Yuuri would read it first and then pass it on to his best friend. Expect for the fourth letter… Yuuri deemed it too R-rated for Phichit to read, much to the dismay of his friend. Some things were just too private.

For some reason the letters didn’t make him sad any longer. They actually gave Yuuri a sense of peace. His everyday life became livelier as he felt a weight being lifted off his chest little by little.

He was enjoying his classes at the university, he was having a good time with his friends, his mood had improved, and he didn’t want to rip his heart out anymore.

He knew his change of spirits had to do with Victor’s letters, he wasn’t dumb. He acknowledged it. They just made it feel like everything was falling into place. He didn’t feel crazy anymore. He didn’t feel like a fool. He just began to realize he had felt something special and Victor had felt it too. He began to look at their past relationship fondly instead of with hate and resentment.

In a way, Victor was giving him the closure he always wanted. Yuuri was healing from all the suffering he went through. He hadn’t been used. He just had been part of a relationship that fell apart, like many did.

By acknowledging his past with Victor for what it was, Yuuri felt a sense of relief he didn’t know was possible.

The student didn’t cry anymore as he read the older man’s beautiful words; he just smiled, feeling happy to have shared such amazing moments with another person.

It was indeed a cleansing experience, and Yuuri was truly thankful to Victor for it.

When Friday came around, the new letter arrived before Yuuri was up.

Phichit left it on their kitchen table before he left for school, and Yuuri found it around 11 a.m. when he woke up.

He didn’t feel desperate to read them anymore. Sometime during that week, receiving his letters had become an enjoyable and relaxing activity.

He calmly grabbed the letter, poured himself some tea, and sat on the fluffy couch to begin opening the envelope.

That particular letter looked longer than the rest. Yuuri checked it, and indeed it had around 10 pages.

The story started with Yuuri sleeping over at Victor’s, as he usually did back in the day, and Victor observed Yuuri sleeping.

As he placed his mug on the coffee table, Yuuri laughed at Victor’s description of the sleeping student. Before the letters, the younger man had never realized Victor was such a hopeless romantic.

The story continued with Victor suddenly realizing Yuuri was his first love. He described how he wanted to wake up Yuuri, to tell him, but then decided to wait.

 _Oh_.

As Yuuri read the pages, he realized that was the story of Victor’s decision to propose. Yuuri’s heart felt heavy, like it hadn’t felt in days. Yuuri knew how that particular story ended.

He read the pages that described their last day together. Victor recounted his excitement, how his entire day revolved around waiting for the right moment to pop the question. And then he described how Yuuri broke up with him.

Yuuri had to admit that from Victor’s perspective it sounded so painful. It was hard to read it, and his hands trembled a bit as he held the paper. But he also needed to know. If he didn’t know Victor’s side, he would never understand where they went wrong.

As he read how Victor was paralyzed and confused by Yuuri’s words, something became clear to the student: they had _severe_ communication issues. If Yuuri had confronted Victor about the call, if Victor had pressed Yuuri about the reasons for the break up, or if both had just talked out their relationship before, none of that suffering would have ever happen.

It was laughable really.

After narrating his painful experience, Victor recounted his meeting Yuuri months after at a coffee shop. The older man was so happy the encounter, and even happier that Yuuri contacted him after. He wrote about the nights they spend together and about his wishes for Yuuri to stay over.

It made the student feel a bit guilty. Throughout their late night encounters, he hated himself for sleeping with Victor, while the other man was just ecstatic to see Yuuri again. He wondered who had suffered more in the end of their drama…

As Victor’s narrations reached the present time, the student wondered what would he say in the next letters.

But then he reached the last paragraph. It said,

_I don’t know if you are reading these letters or not, Yuuri, but rewriting part of our story has been very therapeutic to me. I remember everything very fondly, even the sad parts. My time with you was one of absolute happiness. If you opened them, I hope they brought you some sort of peace as well. As I promised you, I will now let you go. I am sorry I hurt you and never realized it. I hope you can also think about us fondly someday._

“What?” Yuuri heard himself say. What was Victor _talking_ about?

A sudden surge of panic ran through his mind as he read the words “I will now let you go.”

He ran quickly to the living room’s bookcase and grabbed the rest of the letters that were neatly placed in between his DVD collection.

Yuuri began counting. One, two, three, four, five, and six. He looked at his hand as he realized that he held the seventh.

Shit. His mind began racing. He had been so focused on his own relaxed happiness that he forgot Victor had told him he would send him letters for a _week_. For some reason, in the pleasing routine of waiting to read the daily letters, he forgot that they would stop coming eventually.

Of course they would. Victor didn’t even know he was reading them! He probably thought Yuuri had decided to cut the older man out of his life. He probably thought Yuuri had shredded every single envelope!

Victor probably thought Yuuri didn’t want Victor in his life anymore.

But at that precise moment, holding the seventh letter close to his chest, Yuuri knew one thing for sure: he wanted Victor back more than anything.

Yeah, they had hurt each other, but the undeniable truth was that Yuuri _still_ loved him. He was crazy about the other man and he _needed_ to try again.

He was ready to forgive himself for the stupid things he did _and_ he was ready to forgive Victor for his mistakes as well. He just hoped he wasn’t too late. He cursed himself for being so slow to realize his own feelings.

Well, at least he had finally done it.

Not wanting to waste another minute, Yuuri dropped the last letter on the bookcase and ran to grab his phone, quickly dialing Victor’s number.

\-------------------------

“Hey,” Victor said with a panting voice. It was obvious he had been running. He was completely out of breath, his hair was a mess, his face was flushed, and he had apparently forgotten his suit jacket.

“Y-you were fast, Victor,” Yuuri said as he held the front doorknob, trying to hold back his laugher at the sigh of a disheveled Victor. “I could’ve waited until you finished work, you know?”

“I… couldn’t,” Victor answered still out of air.

“Come in,” Yuuri said as both stepped inside the small apartment, nerves starting to replace his amusement.

“Yuuri, _please_ ,” Victor started as soon as they were inside and the door was properly closed. “I-I really can’t take this anymore… This is painful. After not hearing from you all week, I was ready to give up today...”

Yuuri gulped, he knew it had probably been hard for Victor. The student hadn’t given him any signs he was reading the letters after all.

“And then you suddenly _call_ me today,” he looked tense and a bit desperate. Yuuri couldn’t really blame him. The younger man called him on impulse to say he had read everything. Victor’s head was probably spinning.

“I was so happy, buy… I’m too old for this,” Victor added jokingly and finally breaking a smile as he tried to brighten up the mood. He probably sensed Yuuri’s increasing distress.

Yuuri smiled shyly in response.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to leave you hanging,” the student replied honestly. “The letters… they, they were _really_ helping me come to terms with everything that happened and…”

He was kind of embarrassed about what had happened. But, well, he had to start the “more open communication strategy” somewhere.

“They just became such a nice part of my daily life that… I-I forgot they would stop coming,” he admitted, even if it sounded a bit dumb.

“Jesus, Yuuri,” the older man sighed and placed his hand on his face. He didn’t look truly mad though.

“Sorry…” the student whispered apologetically.

A couple of seconds passed, but Yuuri wasn’t sure where to go from there. He wanted to continue but his nerves were taking over.

Would Victor really want him back?

“So?” Victor tried to nudge him. Yuuri knew it was his turn to make a move. Victor had poured his heart out in the letters. Yuuri needed to take the next step.

The older man looked Yuuri. His eyes looked anxious, like he was just waiting, and Yuuri knew he was waiting.

And Yuuri knew what he wanted to hear.

“Uhm…” the student wanted to make it right. He needed the perfect words for that moment. But his hands were shaky and Victor’s eyes were staring at him too much… He _needed_ to get it together.

“Uhm… I-I know I’ve done some, a _lot_ of, stupid things in the past and… we both made mistakes, _but_ …” as Yuuri talked Victor’s eyes began to sparkle, his mouth slowly curving into a smile.

He probably knew where Yuuri was going.

“Your letters just really put some things in perspective and…” the student’s heart beat faster and faster.

“And?” Victor asked as he moved a step closer to Yuuri, eyes glowing with something that Yuuri could only interpret as happiness.

“And… I still love you,” he finished as Victor leaped on him, kissing Yuuri’s mouth like his life depended on it.

“Oh, my God!” Victor screamed to the ceiling as he let go of Yuuri’s lips. “I’m _so_ fucking happy.” He hugged Yuuri so tightly, and the student thought he might actually crush him to death.

“So…” Yuuri started, still in Victor’s arms, “Do you wanna try this again? Like, us?”

Victor looked at him with loving eyes, coming down from his brief euphoric state.

“There is nothing I want more in the world,” he answered with a happy smile, making Yuuri’s heart skip a beat.

Victor moved his head to kiss Yuuri again, softer this time. Time felt slower as Yuuri let himself feel happy and relaxed. Victor’s gentle lips expressed more than all the seven letters put together.  

After a while, Victor broke their lips apart.

“Yuuri…” Victor said as he gently removed Yuuri’s glasses from his face, placing them on top of the nearby bookcase and then turning back to the student.

He held Yuuri’s cheeks with both hands, blue eyes starring intently into Yuuri’s orbs with warm affection.

“Can I make love to you?”

As he processed the words, the student couldn’t keep thick tears from escaping his eyes.

This time they were happy ones. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. The reality of the situation suddenly downed on him. Victor loved him and they were together. Happy and together. They were in love.

“O-okay,” he answered between hiccups.

Victor brought their faces together again, kissing Yuuri’s quivering lips passionately.

He moved to kiss the younger man’s jawline, cheeks, and eyelashes. He peppered kisses all over the student’s wet face, as if he needed to tell each inch of Yuuri’s skin how much he adored it.

Yuuri hung to Victor’s shirt. He felt completely overwhelmed. He was so happy, but at the same time all he wanted to do was cry as if he just woke up from the worst nightmare of his life.

Being  _loved_  by Victor was overwhelming.

It was everything he ever wanted, but denied for so long.

So he just let himself go.

If it was a dream, he never wanted to wake up.

“V-victor,” he whispered softly, voice still hiccupping.

“I’m here love,” Victor answered while kissing the student’s ear and then moving to Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri whimpered, knowing tears fell down even harder as soon as he heard that precious word again. He bit his lip and shut his eyes. All he wanted was Victor.

After so many months without the man, after trying so desperately to forget about him, after feeling so desperate and broken, Victor was his.

“There is no need to cry anymore,” Victor said as he finished kissing the base of Yuuri’s neck, moving up to stare again at Yuuri’s wet brown eyes.

“Sh-shut up,” was all that Yuuri could answer in between gasps. There was all need to cry. Stupid Victor drove him insane. “I’m just so… ha-happy.”

A wide smile spread across Victor’s perfect face. Yuuri felt butterflies in his stomach. He fell in love again.

“Me too,” the silver-haired man whispered bringing their forehead together. “I’ve never been this happy in my entire life.”

They stayed like that for a little while, just enjoying each other’s presence and warmth. Their eyes pressed shut as their breaths mingled. It felt perfect.

As Yuuri’s breath steadied from the previous crying session, his state of shock, relief, and happiness began to be replaced by something else.  _Want_. He wanted to feel all of Victor. Right now.

“Vic-tor…” Yuuri said softly.

“Uhm…” the man simply hummed in response, hands still holding Yuuri’s cheeks while his thumbs circled over the student’s skin.

“Weren’t you… going to m-make love to me?” Yuuri asked quietly, his heart thumping loudly on his chest. His cheeks blushed a bit.

Victor’s eyes suddenly shot open. Victor backed away from Yuuri’s face, the sudden movement startling Yuuri slightly.

He stared at Yuuri’s eyes.

“Yes,” he answered and he quickly dove in for a kiss. His mouth was desperate over Yuuri’s.

He licked Yuuri’s bottom lip, making the student whimper in response. Yuuri threw his arms around Victor’s shoulder in search of support, opening his mouth to allow Victor in.

The older man’s tongue was warm. Yuuri relaxed under the touches and moaned into the kiss. Everything felt blissful.

Victor moved his hands from Yuuri’s face to hold the student’s head and the small of his back. Every movement the silver-hair man made conveyed affection. Yuuri felt so safe. So loved.

The student felt like he was floating as Victor slowly guided him towards the bedroom. Yuuri barely even registered his own feet moving, too distracted by his lover’s lips.

As they entered the room, Victor finally separated their mouth and put some distance between their bodies.

He grabbed the student’s wrist instead and kissed it.

“You’re so beautiful,” Victor said as his lips trailed up the student’s arms. Yuuri’s blush deepened, feeling a little unsettled by Victor’s show of affection. “You’re so perfect, Yuuri.”

“Uhm…” Yuuri timidly whimpered as Victor’s fingers left Yuuri’s arm to brush against the exposed skin between his shirt and his pants.

Victor tickled around Yuuri’s muscles as if he was discovering Yuuri’s body for the first time. He circled the skins of his hips and slowly guided his digits up.

Every touch made the student shiver.

His fingers brushed lightly against the student’s ribcage and then his nipples, earning soft gasps from the younger man. Victor’s movements were so soft, but even so Yuuri felt himself growing hard. All movements and touches were delicate, but not in a teasing way. Yuuri just felt cherished.

Slowly Victor removed Yuuri’s shirt, taking a step back to quickly remove his own.

Victor pulled the younger man back close. Yuuri felt his lover’s warm torso pressed against his. They had fucked many times, but Yuuri the simple touch of their skin was extremely arousing at that moment. It all felt new.

Suddenly, the older man grabbed the left side of his head as his mouth pressed to his right ear.

“Oh, no. V-vic- _torr_ ,” Yuuri moaned and his legs trembled. Victor tongue worked wonders on his ear, biting, sucking, and licking.

The silver-haired man felt Yuuri’s unsteady stance and moved a hand to grab wrap around the student’s body, holding him in place.

“What do you want, baby?” Victor asked  _very_  close to Yuuri’s lobe as the younger man grabbed his shoulders for support. His tone was gentle. “I’ll do anything you ask me. I’d do anything for you… As long as you stay to me.”

Yuuri’s head was spinning. He was sure his heart was about to give out. But he didn’t care. He wanted to be drowned in love and pleasure.

“Anything, Victor, a-anything,” Yuuri just needed him close like this forever. “Just never let me go.”

Victor kissed his mouth softly for a few second before grabbing Yuuri’s wrist and leading his to the bed. The older man laid the student slowly on the mattress and then moved to place kissed all over Yuuri’s skin.

He began with his mouth, and then traveled to his neck.

“Uhm…” Yuuri hummed at the sensation, placing tangling his hands in Victor’s silver strands.

Victor moved to his collarbone where he sucked lightly, slowly marking Yuuri’s skin with very faint pink kiss marks.

His tongue kept traveling down. He looked up quickly, icy blue catching warm brown as Victor flicked his tongue over Yuuri’s nipple.

“Oh, God,” Yuuri shivered, Victor’s tongue sending shivers down his spine. He looked so concentration on his actions, like he was trying his best to show Yuuri how much he wanted the younger man by every single touch.

Yuuri couldn’t look away.  

Victor kept going down. He kissed each and every one of Yuuri’s ribcages and then moved down to his navel.

The student cock was already obvious underneath his pants. He bucked his hips involuntarily and whined with the movement.

Surprisingly, the older man didn’t giggle or teased like he used to. He just pressed his palms against Yuuri’s skin in a soothing manner and kissed him even more slowly, earning a load moan from the student.

Victor pulled back to stand on his knees as he began to unbutton Yuuri’s jeans and pull them down along his shoes and socks, leaving the student with only his boxers.

But before Victor could move back to grope Yuuri’s cock, the student grabbed his wrist and stopped all actions.

“Wait…” the younger man said shyly. Victor looked at him confused, but didn’t dare to move a muscle, just waiting for Yuuri’s further instructions.

“I-I… I want to do it, ok?” Yuuri said shyly. He hoped Victor understood.

But the older man just stared at Yuuri’s semi-naked form under him with a questioning look.

Yuuri realized he would have to be more specific.

He placed a palm to Victor’s chest and began to slowly lift himself up, first by the elbows and then shifting his body weight to rest on his knees.

“Oh…” Victor murmured softly, and Yuuri could swear he saw a faint red tint rise to his cheeks.

The student stopped his motions to quickly grab a small bottle from the nightstand and then returned to an enthralled Victor. He eyes concentrated on Yuuri, but body never moving.

Yuuri crouched himself on his knees and began unbuttoning Victor’s pants with unsteady fingers. The atmosphere was way denser than when they were together the past week. For some reason the older man felt more intense. Yuuri felt a little bit like a virgin again.

It made him nervous, but he hoped he could go through what he wanted to do. He had done it a thousand times before. It shouldn’t be that hard… For some reason it felt _different_.

He began to tuck Victor’s pants down. Soon the other man finally seemed to snap out of his trance. He helped Yuuri by stepping out of the bed to remove the rest of his clothing.

“Yuuri…” he whispered as he climbed back in, hands automatically touching the student’s face.

The younger man knew Victor was going for a kiss, but he was determined to finish what he had started. He quickly kissed Victor’s wrist and turned his head to escape his hands. He lowered his head, propped himself on his elbows, and placed an open-mouthed kiss the silver-haired man’s navel.

“ _Ugh_ ,” Victor groaned above him, the sound making heat boil in Yuuri’s lower belly.

Yuuri looked up through his lashes as he moved his mouth lower and lower. Victor licked his lips, never breaking his eye contact with Yuuri. The student felt his blush spread to his ears and chest, but tried to keep his gaze stead for as long as he could. 

He soon backed away from Victor slightly, finally staring at the hard dick in front of him. It looked _tasty_.

All of the sudden, Yuuri’s inhibitions left his body, wanting to focus solely on bringing pleasure to his lover. He licked the tip of the cock slowly and sensually, feeling Victor’s hands suddenly grab his hair _tight_.

“Oh, shit, _Yuu_ -ri,” the older man said after a loud grunt. And Yuuri felt so _good_. He wanted to make Victor drown in him as well.

He moved down to press his mouth against Victor’s base, alternating between soft sucks and long drawled out licks. Victor’s hips trembled, and Yuuri knew the other man was trying _hard_ not to buckle up.

He finally licked the entire length, making Victor moan his name in short gasps. He stopped at the tip and gave it a wet suck.

“Yuuri, _yes_ , you’re so perfect,” Victor finally sounded needy, throwing his head back while his cock leaked pre-cum, just like Yuuri wanted

The student closed his mouth and paused for a second. Mouth just hovering over Victor’s cock.

“Uhm, Yuuri? Victor asked confused and slightly desperate, eyes still closed from the previous pleasure.

“S-stay there,” Yuuri tried to say firmly, but he couldn’t help but hear the intake of air Victor harshly took, grip tightening on his hair. He knew Victor’s eyes were probably _wide_ open now, realizing what he the younger man was doing.

He tried not to lose his courage as he quickly pushed his boxers down to his thighs with one hand and then moved to cover his fingers with lube, still bending on his forearms and knees right in front of Victor’s cock.

He steadied himself on just one arm, bringing his other hand closer to his ass, adjusting his mouth closer to Victor’s dick.

“Yu- _Fuck_ ,” Victor cursed as Yuuri took the older man’s cock in his mouth and slid a finger inside his own hole simultaneously.

“Shit, Yuuri, you look… so… good,” Victor praised him as he tried to lessen the hold on Yuuri’s hair.

Yuuri was embarrassed. Fucking himself with his fingers while sucking his lover’s cock probably looked so dirty. But at the moment he couldn’t care less.

He sucked Victor slowly, pushing as much as he could inside his mouth, and then slowly pulling back. Victor trembled above him and Yuuri loved it.

He kept working himself open. He moved his fingers slowly out, teased his own entrance, and then plunged it back in.

He moaned around Victor’s cock, earning groans out of the other man.

“Yuuri, Yuu-ri,” the older man chanted his name.

Yuuri added another finger, feeling his impatience grow. He could feel sweat starting to gather on his forehead. Victor used one of his hands to take his strands away from his eyes.

The younger man kept pumping his fingers, feeling himself grow relaxed and open, and curved his digits looking for a spot that would feel even better.

“Ugh,” Yuuri groaned, Victor’s dick falling out of his mouth and back arching, as hit his own prostrate. A thin line of saliva connected his swollen lips to the red tip of Victor’s hard dick.

He kept pumping his fingers and moaning, attempting to lick the cock in front of him with a lazy tongue. His mind was so foggy from the pleasure, he was unsure on what to concentrate.

“Yuuri, oh God, you look so beautiful.” Victor stroked his hair, not seeming too upset at the reduced attention his cock was receiving.

“Come here,” Victor said, placing his hands on his cheeks and straightening the younger man up, Yuuri’s fingers falling off his entrance in the process. The student whimpered softly at the feeling, but soon his mouth was pressed against Victor’s lips and the older man’s tongue was caressing the inside of his mouth.

Yuuri’s lubed hands clung at Victor’s chest. Yuuri moaned into the kiss, but pulled away after a few moments.

“Vic-tor… Uhm… I’m dirty, don’t” he said quietly. The kiss shouldn’t be too pleasurable after Yuuri had sucked his cock after all.

Victor smiled warmly and kissed the side of his mouth with a quick peck.

“Yuuri, you’re not dirty. You’re beautiful,” he stated simply.

As if to make prove his point, he grabbed one of Yuuri’s hands, closed his eyes, and pressed Yuuri’s lubed fingers tenderly against his lips. The student blushed even more, he felt like he could die right there.

Then Victor opened his mouth. He sucked a digit in and then another as if they were the most delicious things in the world. His tongue worked every side of the student’s fingers as he hummed in pleasure.

Yeah, Yuuri had been rimmed multiple times, including by the silver-haired man. But there was something about the reverence with which Victor kissed his digits that made him feel dizzy. It was so personal, it was so intimate. He didn’t think he had ever seen something so sexy.

He was so gone, so wrapped in pleasure, that the student barely registered as the other man pushed him back to the bed and began to press kisses to his forehead.

“Vic-tor,” he heard himself saying. Was he crying? His voice sounded horse, but he couldn’t tell, so he just closed his eyes.

“Yes, love?” Victor replied in between kisses.

“V-victor,” Yuuri didn’t know what he wanted, really. He just wanted to feel that way forever.

“Do you want me to prep you more?” his lover asked fondly, placing kisses to the student’s clavicle and then moving up to pepper kisses to his quivering lips.

“N- _no_ ,” the younger man answered, hoping his lover would understand. He needed Victor, _now_.

“Open you eyes, Yuuri,” his voice was velvety and sweet, and the boy complied on instinct. He felt a tear roll out of his eye. So he was crying after all. Apparently that happened a lot around Victor. He looked at the older man and his eyes were just hypnotizing.

“I love you, more than anything, you know?”

Yuuri froze. He had to blink a couple of times before he could say anything.

“M-me…me too,” he said, not knowing what to feel. Was this what making love felt like? If it was, Yuuri was sure he could die from it; his heart was probably too weak for all the emotions that he was feeling.

But for some reason, it felt so good he wouldn’t mind dying at all.

Victor kissed him as he adjusted his body above Yuuri and in between his legs. He used his hands to pull Yuuri’s legs to his back, making sure he was firmly wrapped around Victor’s frame. The student gripped his lover’s back and clenched his thighs around Victor as instructed.

“ _Yuuri_ ,” Victor whispered as he slid inside the student effortlessly. Yuuri’s tightened his arms even harder around Victor, biting his lips and holding his breath.

Victor kissed his neck softly and began moving in slow motions. After the second thrust, Yuuri couldn’t hold himself back anymore.

“AH! Victor!” he yelled into the older man’s shoulder. Sex had never felt so good and overwhelming. Hot tears rolled down his cheeks and chin.

“Yes, baby, I know,” Victor soothed him as he made careful movements. “It feels so good here with you.”

They styed like that for a while, fucking slowly and gasping each other names, completely in trance. Yuuri’s body felt like it was part of Victor’s.

Finally, Victor moved a hand behind Yuuri’s back, moving both of them up so that Yuuri was sitting on his lap, bodies still perfectly connected. Yuuri hiccupped and whimpered softly at the change of angle.

As they finally adjusted, Yuuri tried to keep his balance on his knees as Victor held him by the back.

Victor latched his tongue on one of Yuuri’s nipples and the student threw his head back, glad Victor’s hand was holding him in place.

“Oh, God,” he jumped a bit, accidentally bouncing on Victor’s cock. If felt amazing. After steading himself again, Yuuri made another experimental motion, slowly lifting his weight from Victor lap and then throwing himself back down slowly.

“Ugh,” Victor groaned at the motion, biting Yuuri’s nipple in response.

Yuuri’s cock leaked and he couldn’t stop himself from increasing the pace.

Victor held him even closer, leaving Yuuri’s nipple to press their bodies together. He gripped Yuuri’s back as he tried to help the student move.

Both bit, kissed, and liked each other’s skin as if they couldn’t get enough of its taste. Yuuri moaned and Victor grunted out praises, both in perfect harmony.

One of Victor’s hands began to caress Yuuri’s thigh and the student felt himself grow closer. He couldn’t stop sobs of pleasure from escaping his lips.

In a swift movement, Victor grabbed the student’s aching dick and began to lightly stroke it.    

“Vic- _tor_ , Victor, V-“ was all he could say as a warning before coming all over their stomachs and on the older man’s hands.

It didn’t matter though.

As soon as Yuuri was over, Victor pulled him down for a fiery kiss.

“Yuuri!” he groaned as he came inside the student.

They stayed still like that for a while, Yuuri on his lap and both in a tight hug, just felling each other’s warmth.

 

The next morning, both just stayed in bed for a good part of the day. They talked, played around, watched videos, and just enjoyed each other’s company.

Yuuri never thought happiness could feel this… _happy_?

Being in love was just the most exhilarating thing ever, like being constantly drunk.

Yes, they would still have to go through a lot of hardships. Yes, they probably still had to talk about other misunderstanding that had happened. And, yes, they _really_ needed to work on their communication skills. But, at the end of the day, they knew how they felt for each other. From now on they could build their new relationship step by step.

All Yuuri wanted at the moment was to enjoy a quite day cuddling with his lover.

They were watching a funny video of drunken Phichit on Yuuri’s phone when Victor suddenly paused the app, turning to Yuuri with a serious face.

“Oh no, Yuuri! I hadn’t thought about this,” Victor said with fake exasperation, throwing his head back to the pillow. Yuuri knew he was up to something.

“What? Yuuri said with a raised brow. He didn’t know if he was in the mood for Victor’s antics so soon.

“Now that you know I wanted to propose,” the older man said pouting. “I can’t propose anymore. It won’t be a surprise”

“Victor… I don’t think that’s a big deal,” Yuuri tried to argue. The younger man was just happy they were back together, with proposal or without proposal. They should probably take it easy anyway.

“I’ll have to find a way to do it when you least expect. Proposals have to be surprising, always!” Victor continued as he ignored Yuuri’s words.

“Maybe I’ll do it at the end of your thesis presentation or something. In front of _everyone_ ,” Victor smiled and giggled at his own idea.

“Please, _don’t_ ,” Yuuri tried to sound firm, but he laughed too. It felt so good to be joking around like this again, both pressed so close together in his bed.

Yuuri would probably kill Victor if he did something that embarrassing. But, at the moment, it just made him happy that they could see a future together again. They could joke about it and make silly plans. Because that’s what people in love do.

It didn’t matter when the proposal finally happened. Both of them were happy. They had _all_ the time in the world to spend the rest of their lives together.

 

And, in the end, Victor didn’t even have to worry about crafting the perfect engagement surprise. He wouldn’t propose.

In 3 months from now, Yuuri would do it first.

Victor always found ways to surprise him, but the student could sometimes surprise Victor too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! They're back together! Yay! I hope this was satisfying enough!
> 
> Thanks a lot for all the comments and kudos and everything. You dudes are really rad and I had a great time with y'all!
> 
> I am current on an indefinite hiatus from writing (and life in general) so I am sorry I am not responding to comments, messages, etc. I don't know when I will be able to come back but I really want to write more in the future. Thank for everyone who read this, is reading this, or found this message by some a miracle.
> 
> My Tumblr is [here](https://lafriponne.tumblr.com/), but I also on hiatus from it atm... 
> 
> Love ya,  
> Sigmund.


End file.
